Saturday, December 05, 2009

Welcome To New Jersey: The “Situation” State

I just watched the finale of Monk and I see they left the door open for a future Monk Movie. I can see it now – Randy calls Monk to come to NJ because Sharona got a job on the MTV Reality show “Jersey Shore” and he is worried that she is cheating on him. Hilarity ensues when Monk goes undercover to the beach house in Seaside and slowly eases his way into the hot tub filled with Guidettes that the House Guidos picked up at a local bar,

Just when I thought I was going to do a column about Tiger Woods’ marriage being as shaky as a Nets Season Ticket salesman’s job security…. I came across the greatest thing I have seen on Television since Danny Duberstein gave pep talks to Groats Disease sufferers – the premiere of the new MTV show “Jersey Shore”.

I really don’t know where to start – on the one hand you have the biggest joke in New Jersey… and then on the other hand I could talk about the other topic…. The biggest joke in New Jersey! Three years ago I went through a phase where I started watching all the crazy reality shows on MTV… I blogged about that here on NWOW back on August 4, 2006 where I shot the average demographic age of the MTV viewer through the roof.. I just reread that column for the first time in awhile, and it was interesting to note that during the summer of ’06 I got so fed up with cable coverage of the problems in the Middle East (along with idiot liberal Jews more concerned with giving Mel Gibson a 2nd chance than the wellbeing of heroic Israeli soldiers who were taken captive) that I started to watch MTV reality shows.

That column was actually about MTV’s 25th anniversary in 2006 and I talked about the dating show “Next”… There was also a dating show where the parents watched videos of their kids dates called Parental Control… along with a pretty neat “inspirational” – type show called “Why Cant I be You?” hosted by a guy named Nick Zano who I thought dropped off the face of the Earth until I discovered that he plays Josh on Cougar Town.

We are also home to The NJ Nets whose 0-18 start was the focal point of the sports universe.. but after starting a 1 game winning streak Friday Night, the 1-18 record gives them a little break from critical scrutiny. Keep in mind that now that they have 1 win they can realize that they are already 6 ½ games out a of a playoff spot.

The NJ Nets may go down as the worst team in NBA history. Just the events of the last week show how horrific the situation has gotten. Sunday they fired the coach.. actually I should say he was let out of his misery. They then proceeded to tie the 0-17 record by losing to the Lakers in LA. A day or so later they appointed Kiki Vandeghwe as “interim coach”… the ownership situation is so uncertain at the moment that nobody gets a long term contract. And if you caught the Star Ledger coverage of the story… Vandeweghe was pretty much forced into the job by the team’s President…

Then on the night that Jason Kidd came home, the Nets set the all time record at 0-18. And even though they will not end up winless like last year’s winless Detroit Lions 0-16 record, the fact is that this may be the biggest disaster in sports history… yet the team has the audacity to ask people to PAY FOR TICKETS! What a nerve!

The irony about Kidd is that that trade was actually a pretty good one for the Nets.. they unloaded his contract a few years ago after he told the team he wanted to get out and got a pretty good player in return- Devin Harris. However, the Nets front office looked at the Kidd trade not as a way to get good young talent.. but instead as an opportunity to dump their good players. They subsequently traded away Richard Jefferson and Vince Carter and got almost nothing in return. Nothing. But they saved a lot of money so instead of paying players, the disgraced lameduck owner Bruce Ratner can pay his lawyers to help him boot out local residents from their Brooklyn homes through eminent domain so he can build his sports complex that will make him richer.

I remember how MLB kicked out George Steinbrenner in the early 1990s when he got mixed up with some monkey business. Maybe NBA commissioner David Stern should boot out Ratner too… and do it soon because New Jersey Nets basketball should not be charging "fans" to watch a very substandard product with no hope for improvement until they move out of state.

And speaking of the early 1990s…I remember the post collegiate years of trips to the Jersey Shore and the “people watching” I used to do there. Now almost 20 years later, its good to see that the next generation is still pretty much the same as evidenced by Thursday Night’s premiere of “Jersey Shore” on MTV,

This is one of those reality shows that is not a competition or a life improvement … its just watching 8 goofballs who don’t know each other thrown together in one house. Its not an unusual sequence. But when you take 8 self proclaimed guidos and guidettes and toss them in a house in Seaside… and then get a very slick video editor… you know you have something special.

The premiere aired Thursday night and has been airing repeatedly ever since. Once you start watching this … you start to Thank God that you it is not an eclipse because you can’t just look away. Of the 8, a few got more airtime than the others… with the standouts being a small girl named Nicole aka Snooki, a guy nicknamed “The Situation” and a girl whose nickname is based on Ms Lopez and calls herself JWow… you might know her cousin the ShamWow. Theres also a guy who proudly announces he is a college graduate and demonstrates his 4 yrs of higher education by showcasing his excellent skills as a fist pumper. And then there is Sammi.. a Guidette who is also the only NJ resident on the show.

We meet all 8 in the premiere 2 hr episode – and of course its interspersed with well edited “talk to the camera” segments where each character moves the story along talking about what is going on… as their name appears on screen… while grainy Jersey Shore footage rolls in the background. The 8 get to live at the house, but have to work for their landlord.. a guy named Danny who owns a Boardwalk T Shirt store.

Two of the women have boyfriends… yet one proclaims that she has officially cheated when she catches a glimpse of a Guido shmeckle. Another girl with a boyfriend rips a t shirt off one of the guys and then leaves the club with the shirt leaving him shirtless (Not a bad idea when you work at a t shirt store)… Instead she decides to go eat ham and drink water which might really mean something else.. but then again what do I know?

But the heart and soul of the premiere is “The Situation”…. A man who announces that he will hook up with Sammi… when he decides they will. The 2nd night when they went clubbing… (one of the housemates caught pinkeye and couldn’t get a replacement for the pm shift at the store because everybody else had to “get ready”: for their evening activities.. even though the T shirt store closes 2 hrs before the scheduled departure time)… “The Situation” was making his move only to see her walk away from him and start making out with another Guido cast member instead. Of course a fight later breaks out. By the way, you gotta see the shirt this girl wore to this club!

But the other thing I find interesting is how these girls talk about their boyfriends but get ticked off when the guys bring girls back to the house.. which is not too difficult when you have a camera crew following you around. We also catch on to Nicole Snooki’s intense paranoia when she hears the other girls criticizing the “whores and skanks” and Nicole thinks they are talking about her!

But the funniest thing is when those female guests go into the Jacuzzi with the Guidos and proceed to remove clothing. The female housemates (Not Nicole who is either puking or with a guy who is puking) start heckling the girls in the hot tub. But if they have boyfriends… why would they care so much? And then it occurs to me… The Guidettes on “Jersey Shore” (except Nicole)… never ever go in the hot tub probably because they are so worried about the germ killing abilities of the chemicals in their Jacuzzi that they think that those one night stand chics are leaving some kind of diseased deposits in the Jacuzzi water.

Or maybe they just watch a lot of Monk?


Last week Pumpy won to get back to .500 at 6-6. This week we go to Florida where Tiger Woods is doing some major damage control after he was caught doing some hocus McPocus. The Dolphins are (only) 3 point home doggies to The Patriots. Sayeth The Pump: “I just went to get a Shark tattoo, but instead they gave me a Dolphin,… Oh wait. That wasn’t me.. I saw that in a commercial… Take The Dolphins!


Last week we went 2-1 to improve to 19-17.

GIANTS 2 doggies over Dallas – A must win if the Giants want to play in the post season. They are still alive if they lose, but they would need A LOT of help.

ATLANTA 5 ½ doggies over Philadelphia – That Eagles comeback over Washington last week was a tough blow for Giants fans…

Baltimore 3 doggies over GREEN BAY – The Ravens are coming off a good win… of course that logic hopefully won’t apply to the Eagles.

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