Saturday, December 19, 2009

Welcome to New Jersey Part III: Snooki? She Must Be Italian

“It seems today,
That all you see,
Is violence in movies,
and sex on T.V.”

Shouldn’t this be the theme song for Thursday’s episode of “Jersey Shore”?

Yes folks… we called it the night it premiered… not only is this program loaded with the most entertaining characters on reality show history… but you can find parallels between the shenanigans at the shore house and real life current events.

Lets catch up with the key highlights involving that wacky Cast of 6 plus Vinnie who is really like Chuck on Happy Days… he’s there but you really never see him:

This week the term “The Situation” became even more mainstream. Not only was it the punchline on a Letterman Top 10 list… but The Situation appeared as a guest on Conan O’Brien, on Wendy Williams, and in a comedy skit on Jimmy Kimmel Live. He even presented Conan with his own nickname - “The Solution”. It makes no sense.. but its still funny in that Situation-esque way.

During Thursday’s episode, Paulie discovered that Ronnie is getting a lot of screen time with his sordid affair with Sammie. By the way, who washes the housemates sheets? They never seem to do laundry! Paulie realized he needed a new way to get on the air. After seeing Vinny practicing his fist pumping off camera, Paulie did not want to be releaged to back burner status so he decided to become The Situation’s wing man and hang out with him as he attempts to introduce young ladies to “The Situation”.

The Sammi-Ronnie hook ups are one of those deals where you hope that if they have a kid their genes skip a generation so the kids will end up with at least some brains. The episode picked up where last week’s left off where Sammi mistakenly thought Paulie left a club with JWow/Sham Wow. Paulie truthfully reported that nothing was going on, but Sammi just wouldn’t let it go. A friend of mine claims that during part of the argument, Sammi actually sat on the toilet… but I wasn’t sure. Ultimately the episode revealed that Sammi has major insecurity issues.

Now let’s see if I have this right… Paulie and The Situation hook up with 2 chics at the bar while Snookie hooks up with a guy she thinks is Ron… yet his name is really Russ. Can you imagine the late Tim Russert referring to his dad as Big Ron? Has any other blogger been able to find a connection between Russert and this show? Meanwhile, it turns out that Russ is really friends with Sham Wow’s boyfriend… (or is it J-Wow?) and is on a spy mission to report that her braless fake bozooms have been bouncing around with young Mr. Paulie. The Situation and Paulie leave the club with their 2 girls en route to the hot tub, but then they see 2 better looking chics in a convertible so they simply walk away from Pair o’ Chics #1 to try to hot tub it with Pair o’ Chics #2…

Pair o’ Chics #2 end up headed back to the house as Snookie leaves with Ron-Russ. But in a moment that totally disproved last week’s theory that she is intelligent, Snookie gets lost finding her beach house and decides to take Ron-Russ to the beach instead where they just hang out. Meanwhile back at the house, Pair o’ Chics #2 turn out to be very dull and The Situation finds himself… in a situation. But not to worry… because there is a knock on the door, and guess who is standing there? Pair o’ Chics #1! Which means that Pair o’ Chics #1 were able to somehow figure out where the house is located… while Snookie who actually lives there was wandering the streets of Seaside!!

Ultimately Chic #1 from Pair o’ Chics #1 appears to be hooking up with The Situation… but Paulie wants no part of Chic #2 who is a tad annoying. He breaks the cardinal rule of being a wingman and just walks away from her leaving the 2 girls with The Situation… but Chic #2 starts kvetching again so ultimately her friend ditches her and heads back to a bedroom for some hoochie mscoochie. Of course not the smartest idea… what is the annoying girl going to do since the Wingman stopped guarding her?? She barges into the bedroom…. Interrupts our young lovers…and tells her friend she is making a big mistake. Once again, The Situation ends up…. in a situation!

Last week I discovered something very interesting about the Situation… despite his well proportioned 6 pack and his womanizing ways, he really deep down seems to be a half decent guy… And not only does he give himself a nickname… but he also has nicknames for other people too. He has one for Conan O’Brien… He called one of his many failed conquests Freckles McGee and he called another girl with an odd personality “The Grenade.”

This was when I realized that The Situation is really…. Sawyer from Lost. I mean c’mon.. he has the 6-pack… he can’t seem to get it right with women… AND he always has a nickname for everybody!

Now for the news stories this week!


Before we accuse our Gang of 6 plus Vinny of being New Jersey’s biggest embarrassment… The New Jersey Nets continue to have the stranglehold on that prestigious title. The Nets are already 9 1/2 games out of the last playoff spot… and they have only won 2 games! How are they supposed to make up that deficit? And whereas 2 wks ago I said the team has chutzpah to charge for tickets, the action of this past week shows that their audacity has no boundaries.

This week the move to Brooklyn edged closer to reality. The NY Court’s decision to allow Eminent Domain helped them considerably and now bonds are going to be purchased that will free up money to construct the new arena which means the Nets are pretty much finished in NJ after playing the next 2 lame duck seasons.

But… there was talk in Trenton this week about introducing a bill to create a truce between the Meadowlands Arena… home of the Nets.. and the new Prudential Center, which lured the Devils and Seton Hall basketball from the older arena. A lawmaker in Trenton introduced a bill this week that would allow a deal between the two competing arenas that sporting events would move to Pru and the Meadowlands would host non sporting events… This deal would be funded by a new $3 surcharge that would be added on to tickets purchased at either arena.

And the centerpiece to this deal is the Lame Duck NJ Nets would play in Newark for the next 2 seasons and then head off to Brooklyn.

Luckily, a loophole to bail out of this asinine deal came up when it was decided to table the discussions until the new Governor takes office in January! But without cooler heads prevailing, it would have meant that not only do Nets fans have to pay for tickets.. but all fans attending events at either arena would have had to cough up 3 bucks to allow the worst team in the NBA the privilege to play in a nicer arena! How crazy is that?

My solution: The Nets are so awful… send them packing right now.. If they want to play in Brooklyn… send them there for their next home games and all the games thereafter! If the Cincinnati college football coach had to leave immediately after taking the Notre Dame job, then let the Nets play at Brooklyn College! At least Brooklyn fans can get the chance to start to watch the Nets develop into a team that is not mathematically eliminated from the playoff race by Christmas!.

JERSEY SHORE CONNECTION: We New Jerseyans expect our teams to be loyal to us! And the day we see our lovable Gang of 6 plus Vinnie head to Nathan’s and Coney Island instead of Seaside… then they should get the boot too!


This past week’s episode also featured Snooki’s mom… a rather non descript woman who really wasn’t outrageous like her daughter… She just struck me as a nice lady, and as Snooki’s mom.. a very patient lady. The two hung out together and after she left you realized that Snooki is quite immature because she was near tears after her mom drove off. It was only 2 wks since they saw each other!! Didn’t she ever go to sleep away camp??

This week in the news we also saw that poor David Goldman is again at odds with that evil Brazilian family that stole his son. He hopped on a plane to rightfully claim his child from those kidnappers after the Brazilian Supreme Court ruled in his favor, but once again those corrupt bastards filed an appeal and again deprived the boy of being where he belongs. If his mother was still alive, one could understand keeping him down there.. but she kidnapped the kid, took him to Brazil and then punched her one way ticket to Hell when she died during childbirth. God works in mysterious ways.

JERSEY SHORE CONNECTION: See how happy Snooki is when is with her mom. Kids belong with their parents!


Bicylcists had their bike lanes removed in the ultra religious area of Williamsburg. Rumor has it that the religious Jewish community is upset because the female bikers are scantily dressed, but publicly the Chusids say the bike lanes run right past school bus stops putting the little pishers right in the way of the bicylcists. Saturday, a group of female bikers decided to hold a protest – topless as the chusids walked quickly to and from the synagogue!

JERSEY SHORE CONNECTION: If Snooki can go to a club and do back flips in a mini skirt that showed too many details about her thong – then I guess anything is possible!


Next Thursday Night is 24 hours of A Christmas Story… I already plan to watch next week’s Jersey Shore with regular pronouncements of “Snookie… she must be Italian!”. And again we will see Ralphie get his mouth washed out with soap for cursing and see his incredible violent attack on the school bully Scut Farkus!

JERSEY SHORE CONNECTION: If you wanted to see cursing and violence,… you may have watched the last five minutes of Jersey Shore. That was when we saw the much heralded but blacked out scene where Snooki was punched in the face by a drunk guy at a bar. MTV aired domestic violence disclaimers at the end of the show.

It is really unfortunate how rampant violence is getting. All of these people who want to be “reality stars” see the shenanigans on The Jerry Springer Show. Even though I am convinced it is almost entirely all staged, why is it acceptable that Springer Guests resort to violence to hash out their problems as a source of entertainment?

Take a lesson from Snooki.. there is no place for that type of behavior. During the Monk finale when Monk was poisoned, the doctor told him the poison will cause vomiting… and then death! Monk was very upset to hear he would be vomiting. In the preview for the next Jersey Shore episode - we see Snooki immediately after she is assaulted… and her first concern – “Did I crack a tooth?”


Last week Pumpy AND Unbiased Giants fan dropped to .500. Pumpy goes into next week all even at 7-7. This week in honor of Rutgers playing in the St. Petersburg Bowl, we go to Miami where the Dolphins are in Tennesee where the Titans are 3 point faves. Sayeth the Pump: “I decided to work out (like The Situation) and I lost weight so now I can Tighten my belt… so take The Titans!”


Last week we went 1-2 to even things up at 21-21.

Giants 3 faves over WASHINGTON – The Giants need to win 1 more than Dallas the next 3 wks to make the playoffs. I usually go with the home dogs on Monday Night.. but this week I will make an exception.

Minnesota 9 faves over CAROLINA– The Giants final 2 opponents face each other Sunday - if the Vikings win the next 2 they will bench their starters for most of Game 16 which could very well be a huge game for the Giants!

49ers 8 ½ doggies over PHILADELPHIA – Time for the Eagles to come back to Earth.

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