Sunday, December 27, 2009

The Top 14 Shows to Watch in 2010

I am a little late with the column this week… getting it on line in the post midnight hours of Saturday Night! It has been an incredibly busy week as I took on new responsibilities at my synagogue’s annual 12/24 event and I must say the hard work paid off as we sold out with approx 230 people attending an event that in past years brought in approximately 100-150. Nonetheless, my usual blogging time got pushed back and I spent Christmas Day sleeping and watching movies including of course ---- A Christmas Story!

Today, NWOW presents a list of the 14 must see shows for next year – 2 of them will not have new episodes next season but I decided to list them anyway because you can still watch the reruns…

Here they are listed by their 2009 watchability rankings

1. Jersey Shore – This show achieved immortality moments into its premiere episode when a young musclehead named Mike proudly proclaimed that his nickname.. usually a name that is shorter than ones real name… is The Situation! A few minutes later a crazy little Elvira lookalike munchkin arrived, announced her name was Snooki and instantly got plastered. Must see TV… but needs an announcement before each episode that these people are not true representatives of typical Italian NJ young adults.

2. 24 – Year in and Year out..24 hits it out of the ballpark with its unique format. Some exciting new characters were brought aboard this year and the show ended on a cliffhanger with Jack Bauer contracting some type of deadly disease. The problem with 24 and the next show on the list is their season only runs January through May and by the time the end of the year lists are written up, you have to scratch your head to remember what was going on several months ago.

3. Lost – Speaking of the Devil… last season Lost really hit a home run with its mind boggling time travel elements and bizarre twists about John Locke and his ability to come back from the dead. I just reread the May 19th column…(Rivers. Islands and Sun – see the archives) to remember all that craziness that was jammed into my head about the season. The show has a ton of fans as is evidenced by the day after recaps on various websites. Even the fantasy baseball q and a’s on involve a weekly column where characters ask their questions using the names of Lost characters. Hopefully they will run a last season recap before the season premiere to remind us of what happened in May.

4. Curb Your Enthusiasm – The 2nd to last episode may have been the most brilliant episode of a comedy show in TV history. The whole sub plot involving fictitious Groats disease invading the set of the Seinfeld reunion led to the long anticipated "meeting” between Michael Richards and Leon who is black. Just in case you forgot, a few years back while performing standup at a comedy club, Richards had a meltdown and went into a rather prejudiced rant when he was heckled at a comedy club by some blacks. However, Leon followed the stereotype of black people not knowing the Seinfeld characters and instead went into an adlibbed rant while posing as “Groats survivor Danny Duberstein” about how “Richards” could be cured of Groats disease. Purely hysterical and when the season comes out on DVD… probably in time for the holidays next year…it will be a must have for all Seinfeld/Curb fans. See #14 also.

5. Family Guy – Seth McFarlane is a genius and each week the show gets 9 out of 10 jokes off successfully in this crazy cartoon about a dysfunctional family from Quahog, Rhode Island. Nobody likes the daughter, one son is a moron and the baby boy is possessed. One of the neighbors is paralyzed, the other is perennially horny, and the dog and baby talk better English than anybody else… The pop culture flashbacks are just hysterical 9 times out of 10. Currently its funnier than The Simpsons, but it will not run for as many years.

6. American Dad – Show #2 of 3 from Camp McFarlane ( The 3rd is Family Guy spinoff The Cleveland Show which may be on next years list) focuses on your typical crazy right wing Republican Family with the rebellious daughter. This guy works for the government and has a fish that talks with a German accent and a flamboyant Paul Lynde sounding alien who has a penchant for dressing up in outrageous wardrobes. Don’t we all have an alien living with us? The show does not use the Family Guy flashbacks, so it depends more on character development to move the story along and some weeks is better than Family Guy. The Christmas episode with Michelle the angel….aka the hooker with wings was very well done!.

7. Big Bang Theory – How could you not like a show with characters named Sheldon and Leonard named after the legendary TV producer who is a distant relative of Trophy Wife? Sheldon steals the show and Kaely Cuoco is perfectly cast as the lovely neighbor who has the bizarrely odd relationship with Leonard. The relationship is not too realistic, yet it gives Sheldon some great opportunities and if this show has a long run like the other CBS Monday sitcoms, the story might evolve into a Penny-Leonard breakup followed by a Penny-Sheldon hook up which would be incredibly oddly funny. The best show on Monday Nights and the best sitcom on network TV

8. Better off Ted – A new addition to our list; I just started watching this workplace gem a few weeks ago and unlike The Office I really find it funny. (I don’t know why, but I just can’t get into The Office)… Nonetheless, Ted is surrounded by a nutty boss played by Portia de Rossi and two bizarre scientists who look like they belong on a Jeopardy Tournament! Last weeks episode where one scientist was sleeping with the mother of another was incredibly funny capped off by a sight gag where a scientist reveals his latest invention – popcorn that pops using the heat inside your mouth. You had to see this to really appreciate it. I hope this show sticks around… it’s got great potential.

9. Jeopardy – There doesn’t seem to be anything else on at 7pm – and I even catch the reruns on GSN. I am leaving off the other classic game shows on GSN because except for the last 2 shows here, I am only listing shows that are still producing new episodes. Even though I don’t know most of the answers, I do feel happy when I know some of them.. and in those rare situations when I get a Final Jeopardy answer that the three contestants all miss… then I feel like a million bucks.

10. Millionaire – After seeing Slumdog Millionaire I started watching it again… The Meredith Vierra version got a little more adventurous this year when they added a timer. They also recently got rid of “phone a friend” much to Google’s chagrin… since friends were just googling to get the right answer. They also did a million dollar tournament in the fall that with a few tweaks could be very entertaining and add an element of contestants competing against each other. Its an entertaining game and more my speed than the much more challenging Jeopardy. The Regis reruns on GSN are also entertaining.

11. How I Met Your Mother – The show trying to stake its claim as the follow up to the Thursday Night Friends/Seinfeld powerhouse. Five entertaining characters who hang out at a local bar – the stories are well told in a non chronological fashion and Neil Patrick Harris has totally reinvented himself post Harold and Kumar with the incredible Barney who has remarkable methods to meet chics… For those of us who are married and live vicariously through our single friends… Barney is a very entertaining character… especially when he comes out with some bizarre philosophies. Great acting job by NPH who is gay in real life!

12. 30 Rock – The behind the scenes look at an SNL type comedy show is quite amusing on a regular basis. Alec Baldwin and Tina Fey lead a strong cast as the network executive and producer of a show hosted by “Tracy Jordan”. The show has been consistently funny this season including a recent episode loaded with gags such as a bizarre look at how high def adversely affects ones appearance when looking at a person close-up. Another bit involved a character who I thought did an incredible Gilbert Gottfriend impression until I found out that it was actually the voice of…. Gilbert Gottfried! Alec Baldwin hasn’t made Thursday Nights this entertaining since he was on Knots Landing!

13. Monk Final Season – Technically not a show I will watch in 2010 but it gets an honorable mention because the final episodes were so brilliantly put together. Monk’s original assistant Sharona returned in one of the late episodes and her character got some closure by hooking up with bumbling cop Randy. And ultimately Monk not only solved the murder of his beloved wife Trudy but also found out that she had had a daughter. That reunion was amusing and very touching. Monk found a new purpose in life.. getting to know Trudy’s grown daughter. We also saw the final scene where Monk goes to a crime scene and finally unbuttons that top button and dresses a little stylish… making you realize that in the world of Monk… alot of the foibles had gone away and in his world everything was going to be ok. I’m sure they will bring the characters back for a reunion movie.. unless a Monk reunion becomes the new project for Larry David on the next season of “Curb Your Enthusiasm”.

14. Seinfeld reruns – It was probably the top show in those “Best of the 90s” columns in the pre-blogging era of a decade ago. However that show had a less heartwarming episode as the 4 main characters were sent to prison for not helping a mugging victim. For more than 10 years we have heard the debates of that finale, and the Curb Your Enthusiasm theme this season was an incredible “Seinfeld reunion” which had a new “ending”. George got married, made millions, got ripped off by Madoff and then got dumped by his wife.. only to reconcile with her as long as he would sign a pre-nup not touching his money that she got in the divorce and wisely did not invest with Madoff. Amazingly the first scene with all 4 characters in the “reunion” included just 2 words – Madoff? Madoff. It was all in the tone And after watching this season of Curb… I have started to revisit the Seinfeld reruns which air nightly at 1130 and 1230.

And if we must follow the rules of shows to watch for 2010 you can always substitute 13 and 14 with any of the many CSI’s and Law and Orders.


Pumpie tied last week to remain evened up at 7-7-1. This week we go to Cleveland the city where they filmed “A Christmas Story”. In a game only Pumpy cares about, the Browns are 3 ½ point faves over The Raiders. Sayeth the Pump: “MY buddy just went to Cleveland.. so take the Browns!”


Last week we dropped under .500 by going 1-2 to drop to 22-23. The Giants hold the tie breakers and need to win 1 more game than the Packers or Cowboys in order to make the playoffs. In the unlikely event that the Giants lose and the other 2 win… next week we will be picking bowl games!

GIANTS 7 faves over Carolina – The Panthers are coming off a big 4th quarter in the Sunday night win over Minnesota.. but it was late at night and past Brett Favre’s bedtime. Huge game for NY.. in their last game at Giants Stadium.

REDSKINS 6 ½ doggies over Dallas – The Skins should be quite ticked after last weeks Monday Night Debacle… and you won’t be seeing that crazy trick play again where all the players ran away so quick you thought the center farted.

Seahawks 14 doggies over GREEN BAY – Hopefully Seattle can sneak in and help the Giants… but they will probably just cover the spread.

NEXT WEEK: We welcome a new decade with our 200th column!

Saturday, December 19, 2009

Welcome to New Jersey Part III: Snooki? She Must Be Italian

“It seems today,
That all you see,
Is violence in movies,
and sex on T.V.”

Shouldn’t this be the theme song for Thursday’s episode of “Jersey Shore”?

Yes folks… we called it the night it premiered… not only is this program loaded with the most entertaining characters on reality show history… but you can find parallels between the shenanigans at the shore house and real life current events.

Lets catch up with the key highlights involving that wacky Cast of 6 plus Vinnie who is really like Chuck on Happy Days… he’s there but you really never see him:

This week the term “The Situation” became even more mainstream. Not only was it the punchline on a Letterman Top 10 list… but The Situation appeared as a guest on Conan O’Brien, on Wendy Williams, and in a comedy skit on Jimmy Kimmel Live. He even presented Conan with his own nickname - “The Solution”. It makes no sense.. but its still funny in that Situation-esque way.

During Thursday’s episode, Paulie discovered that Ronnie is getting a lot of screen time with his sordid affair with Sammie. By the way, who washes the housemates sheets? They never seem to do laundry! Paulie realized he needed a new way to get on the air. After seeing Vinny practicing his fist pumping off camera, Paulie did not want to be releaged to back burner status so he decided to become The Situation’s wing man and hang out with him as he attempts to introduce young ladies to “The Situation”.

The Sammi-Ronnie hook ups are one of those deals where you hope that if they have a kid their genes skip a generation so the kids will end up with at least some brains. The episode picked up where last week’s left off where Sammi mistakenly thought Paulie left a club with JWow/Sham Wow. Paulie truthfully reported that nothing was going on, but Sammi just wouldn’t let it go. A friend of mine claims that during part of the argument, Sammi actually sat on the toilet… but I wasn’t sure. Ultimately the episode revealed that Sammi has major insecurity issues.

Now let’s see if I have this right… Paulie and The Situation hook up with 2 chics at the bar while Snookie hooks up with a guy she thinks is Ron… yet his name is really Russ. Can you imagine the late Tim Russert referring to his dad as Big Ron? Has any other blogger been able to find a connection between Russert and this show? Meanwhile, it turns out that Russ is really friends with Sham Wow’s boyfriend… (or is it J-Wow?) and is on a spy mission to report that her braless fake bozooms have been bouncing around with young Mr. Paulie. The Situation and Paulie leave the club with their 2 girls en route to the hot tub, but then they see 2 better looking chics in a convertible so they simply walk away from Pair o’ Chics #1 to try to hot tub it with Pair o’ Chics #2…

Pair o’ Chics #2 end up headed back to the house as Snookie leaves with Ron-Russ. But in a moment that totally disproved last week’s theory that she is intelligent, Snookie gets lost finding her beach house and decides to take Ron-Russ to the beach instead where they just hang out. Meanwhile back at the house, Pair o’ Chics #2 turn out to be very dull and The Situation finds himself… in a situation. But not to worry… because there is a knock on the door, and guess who is standing there? Pair o’ Chics #1! Which means that Pair o’ Chics #1 were able to somehow figure out where the house is located… while Snookie who actually lives there was wandering the streets of Seaside!!

Ultimately Chic #1 from Pair o’ Chics #1 appears to be hooking up with The Situation… but Paulie wants no part of Chic #2 who is a tad annoying. He breaks the cardinal rule of being a wingman and just walks away from her leaving the 2 girls with The Situation… but Chic #2 starts kvetching again so ultimately her friend ditches her and heads back to a bedroom for some hoochie mscoochie. Of course not the smartest idea… what is the annoying girl going to do since the Wingman stopped guarding her?? She barges into the bedroom…. Interrupts our young lovers…and tells her friend she is making a big mistake. Once again, The Situation ends up…. in a situation!

Last week I discovered something very interesting about the Situation… despite his well proportioned 6 pack and his womanizing ways, he really deep down seems to be a half decent guy… And not only does he give himself a nickname… but he also has nicknames for other people too. He has one for Conan O’Brien… He called one of his many failed conquests Freckles McGee and he called another girl with an odd personality “The Grenade.”

This was when I realized that The Situation is really…. Sawyer from Lost. I mean c’mon.. he has the 6-pack… he can’t seem to get it right with women… AND he always has a nickname for everybody!

Now for the news stories this week!


Before we accuse our Gang of 6 plus Vinny of being New Jersey’s biggest embarrassment… The New Jersey Nets continue to have the stranglehold on that prestigious title. The Nets are already 9 1/2 games out of the last playoff spot… and they have only won 2 games! How are they supposed to make up that deficit? And whereas 2 wks ago I said the team has chutzpah to charge for tickets, the action of this past week shows that their audacity has no boundaries.

This week the move to Brooklyn edged closer to reality. The NY Court’s decision to allow Eminent Domain helped them considerably and now bonds are going to be purchased that will free up money to construct the new arena which means the Nets are pretty much finished in NJ after playing the next 2 lame duck seasons.

But… there was talk in Trenton this week about introducing a bill to create a truce between the Meadowlands Arena… home of the Nets.. and the new Prudential Center, which lured the Devils and Seton Hall basketball from the older arena. A lawmaker in Trenton introduced a bill this week that would allow a deal between the two competing arenas that sporting events would move to Pru and the Meadowlands would host non sporting events… This deal would be funded by a new $3 surcharge that would be added on to tickets purchased at either arena.

And the centerpiece to this deal is the Lame Duck NJ Nets would play in Newark for the next 2 seasons and then head off to Brooklyn.

Luckily, a loophole to bail out of this asinine deal came up when it was decided to table the discussions until the new Governor takes office in January! But without cooler heads prevailing, it would have meant that not only do Nets fans have to pay for tickets.. but all fans attending events at either arena would have had to cough up 3 bucks to allow the worst team in the NBA the privilege to play in a nicer arena! How crazy is that?

My solution: The Nets are so awful… send them packing right now.. If they want to play in Brooklyn… send them there for their next home games and all the games thereafter! If the Cincinnati college football coach had to leave immediately after taking the Notre Dame job, then let the Nets play at Brooklyn College! At least Brooklyn fans can get the chance to start to watch the Nets develop into a team that is not mathematically eliminated from the playoff race by Christmas!.

JERSEY SHORE CONNECTION: We New Jerseyans expect our teams to be loyal to us! And the day we see our lovable Gang of 6 plus Vinnie head to Nathan’s and Coney Island instead of Seaside… then they should get the boot too!


This past week’s episode also featured Snooki’s mom… a rather non descript woman who really wasn’t outrageous like her daughter… She just struck me as a nice lady, and as Snooki’s mom.. a very patient lady. The two hung out together and after she left you realized that Snooki is quite immature because she was near tears after her mom drove off. It was only 2 wks since they saw each other!! Didn’t she ever go to sleep away camp??

This week in the news we also saw that poor David Goldman is again at odds with that evil Brazilian family that stole his son. He hopped on a plane to rightfully claim his child from those kidnappers after the Brazilian Supreme Court ruled in his favor, but once again those corrupt bastards filed an appeal and again deprived the boy of being where he belongs. If his mother was still alive, one could understand keeping him down there.. but she kidnapped the kid, took him to Brazil and then punched her one way ticket to Hell when she died during childbirth. God works in mysterious ways.

JERSEY SHORE CONNECTION: See how happy Snooki is when is with her mom. Kids belong with their parents!


Bicylcists had their bike lanes removed in the ultra religious area of Williamsburg. Rumor has it that the religious Jewish community is upset because the female bikers are scantily dressed, but publicly the Chusids say the bike lanes run right past school bus stops putting the little pishers right in the way of the bicylcists. Saturday, a group of female bikers decided to hold a protest – topless as the chusids walked quickly to and from the synagogue!

JERSEY SHORE CONNECTION: If Snooki can go to a club and do back flips in a mini skirt that showed too many details about her thong – then I guess anything is possible!


Next Thursday Night is 24 hours of A Christmas Story… I already plan to watch next week’s Jersey Shore with regular pronouncements of “Snookie… she must be Italian!”. And again we will see Ralphie get his mouth washed out with soap for cursing and see his incredible violent attack on the school bully Scut Farkus!

JERSEY SHORE CONNECTION: If you wanted to see cursing and violence,… you may have watched the last five minutes of Jersey Shore. That was when we saw the much heralded but blacked out scene where Snooki was punched in the face by a drunk guy at a bar. MTV aired domestic violence disclaimers at the end of the show.

It is really unfortunate how rampant violence is getting. All of these people who want to be “reality stars” see the shenanigans on The Jerry Springer Show. Even though I am convinced it is almost entirely all staged, why is it acceptable that Springer Guests resort to violence to hash out their problems as a source of entertainment?

Take a lesson from Snooki.. there is no place for that type of behavior. During the Monk finale when Monk was poisoned, the doctor told him the poison will cause vomiting… and then death! Monk was very upset to hear he would be vomiting. In the preview for the next Jersey Shore episode - we see Snooki immediately after she is assaulted… and her first concern – “Did I crack a tooth?”


Last week Pumpy AND Unbiased Giants fan dropped to .500. Pumpy goes into next week all even at 7-7. This week in honor of Rutgers playing in the St. Petersburg Bowl, we go to Miami where the Dolphins are in Tennesee where the Titans are 3 point faves. Sayeth the Pump: “I decided to work out (like The Situation) and I lost weight so now I can Tighten my belt… so take The Titans!”


Last week we went 1-2 to even things up at 21-21.

Giants 3 faves over WASHINGTON – The Giants need to win 1 more than Dallas the next 3 wks to make the playoffs. I usually go with the home dogs on Monday Night.. but this week I will make an exception.

Minnesota 9 faves over CAROLINA– The Giants final 2 opponents face each other Sunday - if the Vikings win the next 2 they will bench their starters for most of Game 16 which could very well be a huge game for the Giants!

49ers 8 ½ doggies over PHILADELPHIA – Time for the Eagles to come back to Earth.

Saturday, December 12, 2009

Welcome to New Jersey Part II

Happy Hannukah everybody!

Time for a recap of the Week in NJ… first the latest on the Gay Marriage Issue.. followed by the latest news from the best new show on TV… “Jersey Shore”

Gay “Marriage” is one on of those topics that I really am not that passionate about… yet I am writing about it today because I need to honor my commitment to turn out a column each week in the Fall to go along with the Pumpstradamus football picks.

This weeks update on Gay Marriage in NJ: Lame duck Governor Jon Corzine supports it…. Incoming Republican savior Chris Christie says he will veto it. I am not quite sure why Gay Marriage has become such a hot topic for the Republicans. The vote that was scheduled for last week was bounced from the State Senate and instead will be moved over to the State Assembly.

OK now time to recap the 2nd episode of “Jersey Shore”?

I mean, c’mon I may be in my very very late 30s but I just find the show very entertaining. It’s a reality show just for us Joiseyans. And although I am sympathetic to Italian Americans who take offense to the characters on this show… I think most people realize that the Guidos and Guidettes on this show are not truly representative of the typical younger generation of Italian Americans… remember that point, I will tie that in to gay marriage later in this column!

Thursday’s episode further showed evidence that if this was the strategic game of “Guido Seaside Heights Survivor” Snooki and The Situation would be the final 2 because they seem to have the most common sense among the rest of the crew. . Two of the girls – Jwow and Angelina somehow managed to get dumped by their boyfriends. Jwow had “cheated” last wk when she saw a Guido Shmeckle.. and when she fessed up on the phone to indiscretions.. her boyfriend abruptly hung up. Angelina was so distraught about her break-up that she was too sick to work her shift at the boardwalk t shirt store and subsequently copped a ‘tude to her boss and was fired, and then left the show. The rest of the house yawned,

Later that night at 11pm, I found myself skipping my nightly dose of Chuck and Sue and instead stayed with MTV for the “Jersey Shore” post game show… a panel show with a hostess and 3 cast members. The Situation was there along with Sammi and he used his “sleazy to the point that hes actually likeable” charm to show Sammi she missed the boat by hooking up with a different guy. During Thursday’s episode she went on a miniature golfing date with her boytoy Ronnie, he wore a wacky hat that made him look like Peter Pan.

They then brought out Angelina who continues to have delusions of mediocrity…. She announced that she and that bf are no longer together.. however that bf was also married at the time… even though Angelina used some kind of twisted white trash term to explain that he was separated from his wife. It was also interesting to note that Angelina admitted that she had met the Situation before the show had started taping… the 2 had “hooked up” once before – yet in the premiere they acted as if they had never met… which on 2nd thought could actually make sense… since most of these hookups appear to take place in an alcohol fueled daze.

But one of the wackiest moments involved loveable Snookie… who gets punched in next weeks episode – who brings her female bartender friend back to the hot tub…(still not used by the other female housemates; see last week’s column for my Warren Commission theory about why they don’t use it)… and the next thing you know, Snookie announces she feels like making out with someone and starts slobbering with her girl friend!

And then I started to wonder if this would change my mind about Gay Marriage.

And no – I won’t. I agree with Washington State’s “anything but” vote last November, but my issue with Gay Marriage is solely based on one reason – and that is the definition of the word “marriage”…Keep in mind I am more than 100% supportive of gay partners getting all of the legal benefits that a heterosexual couple is entitled to… although that does open a can of worms for straight couples who live together and can’t get those benefits.

The only thing with me.. is the word is the word… men can’t be “pregnant”… despite what that one loony kazoonie pregnant guy says… When it comes to math – numbers are black and white with no gray area. Language is a little different.. there is a gray area.. but if the definition of “marriage” is a union between a man and a woman… I don’t know how a same sex couple can be married to each other.

I think its also important to note the protests are being conducted by nutjobs living in the past who protest gay marriage because they think its an immoral lifestyle. Because even though gay sex is not my type of thing, many other things are not my type of thing such as voting for George Bush, chopped liver and going to the ballet. But who am I to say that others cant participate in an activity that isn’t “my type of thing”?

The Hasidic Jews who have been protesting gay marriage are attracting a lot of attention on this topic too… as has the Catholic Church. I think the chusids should have spent time protesting outside screenings of “Trembling Before God”… that movie that portrayed their anti gay stance and made them look a lot worse than the homosexual “sinners” they protest against. I think its time for people to accept that the concept of accepting homosexuals is here to stay.

And the one argument that is tough to debate is people who don’t want gays showing public displays of affection. We live in a society where its perfectly normal to see a straight couple holding hands or giving each other a peck on the cheek. I don’t want to see anybody doing more than that in public, yet how do you answer parents of confused young kids who witness 2 men or 2 women holding hands or giving each other a peck on the cheek.

And ultimately NJ will go like every other state. The politicians want the gay vote so they will vote for it… but ultimately once it goes on the ballot, the voters will probably end up rejecting it just like every other state. But most of us are not voting that way because we are the “anti gay” fringe… we are the anti gay ‘marriage“ group.

And like the Italian Americans who are annoyed with “Jersey Shore”, I think its important to differentiate those of us voting no on the language terms from those people who are anti Gay for some bizarre antiquated moral reason. We find ourselves in the same battle like the Italian Americans who don’t want to be compared to the wacky 5 on “Jersey Shore”

And I say 5 because Angelina is gone leaving 7 in that house, and I still think that “The Situation” and Snooki have brains that are loaded with common sense. If you saw the premiere episode, you saw how she misunderstood her roomies attacks on skanky girls as being a direct attack on her… even though that conversation had NOTHING to do with her. Was this paranoia… or a misunderstanding typical for a Three’s Company episode?? Incidentally one blogger described The Situation as Don Knotts with a 6 pack!

Actually Snooki is incredibly paranoid and insecure. She isn’t dumb… she just has some type of mental illness!. And her insecurity is as big as The Situations bizarre sense of self confidence. But just because she is paranoid and insecure doesn’t necessarily make her a dummy… unless she starts protesting that homosexuals are immoral people!


Pumpy improved to 7-6 with his incredible prediction of Miami over the Patriots. This week, with all this talk about gay marriage and "Jersey Shore"... Jersey is where we go as the New York Jets are 3 point road faves over Tampa Bay: Sayeth the Pump: "Take the bucs because between 2 kids and a new house - I need a lot of bucks!"


Last week we went 1-2 to drop to 20-19... and like Pumpy we go into week 14 1 game over .500.

GIANTS 1 fave over The Eagles - The Cowgirls fans are also rooting for the Giants this week.. but oddly there is a playoff possibility where an Eagle division win and a Giant wild card tie with Dallas would knock Dallas out of the post season. Nonetheless, I'm picking the Giants!

San Diego 3 doggies over DALLAS - The Chargers have been hot with a streak that started against The Giants.. a game we all remember with dread!

BEARS 3 doggies over Green Bay - Then again, Packers with the wild card, and Giants and Eagles getting in is also a nice scenario... this week take da bears!

CLIP OF THE WEEK: I like Neil Diamond... and amazingly he has remade The Adam Sandler Hannukah Song! Happy Hannukah!

Saturday, December 05, 2009

Welcome To New Jersey: The “Situation” State

I just watched the finale of Monk and I see they left the door open for a future Monk Movie. I can see it now – Randy calls Monk to come to NJ because Sharona got a job on the MTV Reality show “Jersey Shore” and he is worried that she is cheating on him. Hilarity ensues when Monk goes undercover to the beach house in Seaside and slowly eases his way into the hot tub filled with Guidettes that the House Guidos picked up at a local bar,

Just when I thought I was going to do a column about Tiger Woods’ marriage being as shaky as a Nets Season Ticket salesman’s job security…. I came across the greatest thing I have seen on Television since Danny Duberstein gave pep talks to Groats Disease sufferers – the premiere of the new MTV show “Jersey Shore”.

I really don’t know where to start – on the one hand you have the biggest joke in New Jersey… and then on the other hand I could talk about the other topic…. The biggest joke in New Jersey! Three years ago I went through a phase where I started watching all the crazy reality shows on MTV… I blogged about that here on NWOW back on August 4, 2006 where I shot the average demographic age of the MTV viewer through the roof.. I just reread that column for the first time in awhile, and it was interesting to note that during the summer of ’06 I got so fed up with cable coverage of the problems in the Middle East (along with idiot liberal Jews more concerned with giving Mel Gibson a 2nd chance than the wellbeing of heroic Israeli soldiers who were taken captive) that I started to watch MTV reality shows.

That column was actually about MTV’s 25th anniversary in 2006 and I talked about the dating show “Next”… There was also a dating show where the parents watched videos of their kids dates called Parental Control… along with a pretty neat “inspirational” – type show called “Why Cant I be You?” hosted by a guy named Nick Zano who I thought dropped off the face of the Earth until I discovered that he plays Josh on Cougar Town.

We are also home to The NJ Nets whose 0-18 start was the focal point of the sports universe.. but after starting a 1 game winning streak Friday Night, the 1-18 record gives them a little break from critical scrutiny. Keep in mind that now that they have 1 win they can realize that they are already 6 ½ games out a of a playoff spot.

The NJ Nets may go down as the worst team in NBA history. Just the events of the last week show how horrific the situation has gotten. Sunday they fired the coach.. actually I should say he was let out of his misery. They then proceeded to tie the 0-17 record by losing to the Lakers in LA. A day or so later they appointed Kiki Vandeghwe as “interim coach”… the ownership situation is so uncertain at the moment that nobody gets a long term contract. And if you caught the Star Ledger coverage of the story… Vandeweghe was pretty much forced into the job by the team’s President…

Then on the night that Jason Kidd came home, the Nets set the all time record at 0-18. And even though they will not end up winless like last year’s winless Detroit Lions 0-16 record, the fact is that this may be the biggest disaster in sports history… yet the team has the audacity to ask people to PAY FOR TICKETS! What a nerve!

The irony about Kidd is that that trade was actually a pretty good one for the Nets.. they unloaded his contract a few years ago after he told the team he wanted to get out and got a pretty good player in return- Devin Harris. However, the Nets front office looked at the Kidd trade not as a way to get good young talent.. but instead as an opportunity to dump their good players. They subsequently traded away Richard Jefferson and Vince Carter and got almost nothing in return. Nothing. But they saved a lot of money so instead of paying players, the disgraced lameduck owner Bruce Ratner can pay his lawyers to help him boot out local residents from their Brooklyn homes through eminent domain so he can build his sports complex that will make him richer.

I remember how MLB kicked out George Steinbrenner in the early 1990s when he got mixed up with some monkey business. Maybe NBA commissioner David Stern should boot out Ratner too… and do it soon because New Jersey Nets basketball should not be charging "fans" to watch a very substandard product with no hope for improvement until they move out of state.

And speaking of the early 1990s…I remember the post collegiate years of trips to the Jersey Shore and the “people watching” I used to do there. Now almost 20 years later, its good to see that the next generation is still pretty much the same as evidenced by Thursday Night’s premiere of “Jersey Shore” on MTV,

This is one of those reality shows that is not a competition or a life improvement … its just watching 8 goofballs who don’t know each other thrown together in one house. Its not an unusual sequence. But when you take 8 self proclaimed guidos and guidettes and toss them in a house in Seaside… and then get a very slick video editor… you know you have something special.

The premiere aired Thursday night and has been airing repeatedly ever since. Once you start watching this … you start to Thank God that you it is not an eclipse because you can’t just look away. Of the 8, a few got more airtime than the others… with the standouts being a small girl named Nicole aka Snooki, a guy nicknamed “The Situation” and a girl whose nickname is based on Ms Lopez and calls herself JWow… you might know her cousin the ShamWow. Theres also a guy who proudly announces he is a college graduate and demonstrates his 4 yrs of higher education by showcasing his excellent skills as a fist pumper. And then there is Sammi.. a Guidette who is also the only NJ resident on the show.

We meet all 8 in the premiere 2 hr episode – and of course its interspersed with well edited “talk to the camera” segments where each character moves the story along talking about what is going on… as their name appears on screen… while grainy Jersey Shore footage rolls in the background. The 8 get to live at the house, but have to work for their landlord.. a guy named Danny who owns a Boardwalk T Shirt store.

Two of the women have boyfriends… yet one proclaims that she has officially cheated when she catches a glimpse of a Guido shmeckle. Another girl with a boyfriend rips a t shirt off one of the guys and then leaves the club with the shirt leaving him shirtless (Not a bad idea when you work at a t shirt store)… Instead she decides to go eat ham and drink water which might really mean something else.. but then again what do I know?

But the heart and soul of the premiere is “The Situation”…. A man who announces that he will hook up with Sammi… when he decides they will. The 2nd night when they went clubbing… (one of the housemates caught pinkeye and couldn’t get a replacement for the pm shift at the store because everybody else had to “get ready”: for their evening activities.. even though the T shirt store closes 2 hrs before the scheduled departure time)… “The Situation” was making his move only to see her walk away from him and start making out with another Guido cast member instead. Of course a fight later breaks out. By the way, you gotta see the shirt this girl wore to this club!

But the other thing I find interesting is how these girls talk about their boyfriends but get ticked off when the guys bring girls back to the house.. which is not too difficult when you have a camera crew following you around. We also catch on to Nicole Snooki’s intense paranoia when she hears the other girls criticizing the “whores and skanks” and Nicole thinks they are talking about her!

But the funniest thing is when those female guests go into the Jacuzzi with the Guidos and proceed to remove clothing. The female housemates (Not Nicole who is either puking or with a guy who is puking) start heckling the girls in the hot tub. But if they have boyfriends… why would they care so much? And then it occurs to me… The Guidettes on “Jersey Shore” (except Nicole)… never ever go in the hot tub probably because they are so worried about the germ killing abilities of the chemicals in their Jacuzzi that they think that those one night stand chics are leaving some kind of diseased deposits in the Jacuzzi water.

Or maybe they just watch a lot of Monk?


Last week Pumpy won to get back to .500 at 6-6. This week we go to Florida where Tiger Woods is doing some major damage control after he was caught doing some hocus McPocus. The Dolphins are (only) 3 point home doggies to The Patriots. Sayeth The Pump: “I just went to get a Shark tattoo, but instead they gave me a Dolphin,… Oh wait. That wasn’t me.. I saw that in a commercial… Take The Dolphins!


Last week we went 2-1 to improve to 19-17.

GIANTS 2 doggies over Dallas – A must win if the Giants want to play in the post season. They are still alive if they lose, but they would need A LOT of help.

ATLANTA 5 ½ doggies over Philadelphia – That Eagles comeback over Washington last week was a tough blow for Giants fans…

Baltimore 3 doggies over GREEN BAY – The Ravens are coming off a good win… of course that logic hopefully won’t apply to the Eagles.