Friday, November 28, 2008

2008 Turkey Awards

I have been taking a little vacation for the last few days and I am out of the loop newswise... so I am not as up to date with the news as I ordinarily would be... nonetheless, it's quite tragic to see that terrorists would attack a Chabad center. Chabad is an outreach organization run by the Lubavitcher Hasidim that presents the fun side of Judaism in a non-confrontational non-prosletyzing manner. The centers are set up in remote locations forcing the young families that run it to move away from their families and friends to plant the seeds with a little "Fields of Dreams" if you build it they will come philosophy. Their success is incredible... I live near the one at Rutgers.... and it's always tragic when any kind of religious organization or house of worship is targeted by these lunatics. I was hoping for another miraculous Entebbe-esque rescue.. but it was not meant to be. Kudos to the nanny at that Chabad House who heroically rescued the couple's young son. A fundraiser is being conducted for this boy through the website

Today's column originates from Atlantic City. To me Thanksgiving is every day... especially since I met my sweetie.... so I don't need a Thursday turkey meal to be thankful. We usually get a little turkey brunch and then head down to take Donald Trump's money. This year I was sitting at the Taj and it occurred to me that if I hit a big jackpot, would Trump be able to still pay for his daughter's upcoming wedding to the son of Charles Kushner? Kushner is the criminal real estate mogul who got into trouble a few years ago and decided to blackmail his brother in law who was set to testify in court about Kushner's activities. When the brother in law refused Kushner's requests to not tell the truth in court, Kushner got his revenge, and hired a hooker to seduce the brother in law... She took him to a hotel and unbeknownst to the poor shlemazel, the whole thing was videotaped with a hidden camera. Then in his own version of "You've been punked", Kushner arranged to have the incriminating video delivered during his brother in law's child's birthday party. Class act.

Now Kushner and Trump are the fathers in law for this upcoming wedding... I was thinking that instead of The Apprentice - The Donald should do a reality show about his wedding planning meetings with Charles Kushner! It also occurred to me that when they have the wedding, Trump's hoity toity friends will have to be polite while in the presence of this low life Kushner. And then I thought about the conversations The Donald must be having with The Videotaper. I was looking at the ceiling at the Taj, knowing that the security cameras there were watching all the activity going on at the casino - an important point that male patrons should keep in mind when they stare at the Taj's cleavagey cocktail waitresses. I wonder if Kushner ever gives Trump advice about how to arrange those hidden cameras. And what about the wedding planner? Does Kushner give him advice about how to shoot the wedding in such a way so people don't see the camera? That seems to be his field of expertise.

Nonetheless, I didn't think it would ever happen but having Kushner in the family makes Trump actually likeable. So without further ado... we present our nominees for the Charles Kushner Turkey of the Year Awards....

1. The 3rd of 3 Naked Man Copycats

Last Monday's How I Met Your Mother had an episode that might have moved it into "Legendary Episode" status. In the show's attempt to come up with Seinfeild-esque yadda yadda catch phrases, Monday's episode might have hit the jackpot. There are 2 characters 1 male 1 female named Ted and Robin who are roommates. Ted comes home and finds a naked man sitting on his couch. Ted apologizes for the intrusion and the naked man says he and Robin were on a first date but she stepped out to take a call. Ted walked out... and headed to the nearby watering hole and told his other pals that Robin must have hit it off with this guy. "Not so" said one of the friends..."She texted me and said she didnt like the guy". Alarmed Ted ran home, passed Robin still outside on the phone and ran inside to ask the Still Naked Man if he was sure Robin would be so receptive to this naked situation. At that point, the show took an interesting turn when Naked Man informed Ted of his Modus Operandi... He knew Robin didn' t like him but his bad date gimmick was he would ask good looking women to use their bathroom, and then once he would get into the apartment....he would emerge from the bathroom - buck naked! As Ted gave him a "Whatcha talking about Willis" look... Naked Man informed him that it actually worked 2 out of 3 times.

The story actually turned out to be quite amusing - Robin who had found Naked Man repulsive actually fell for the gimmick and he got lucky! One of Robins friends heard about this and called her a slut which led to a scene of Robin and Naked Man on a 2nd date where he looks very bored and finally tries to get her to admit that her friend called her a slut and she was only having the 2nd date to prove to herself that she is not a slut. Then 3 other characters try out the gimmick and amazingly it works 2 of the 3 times.

Will this lead to copycat Naked Man attempts? If so, our first nominee for The Turkey Award is the 3rd guy who is not able to pull it off.

2. McDonalds lawsuit

The lengths people will go to to win a lawsuit in our litigous happy society. A guy in Fayetteville, Ark went to Mickey D's and oops he left his cell phone there. He called them up and the manager assured him that he would take care of it. Well yadda yadda yadda.. ol' Naked man in Fayetteville must have had his cell camera clicking away of his naked wife because the aforementioned phone allegedly contained pics of her butt naked. These pics subsequently ended up on the internet - and now the guy in Arkanas is suing McDonalds for 3 million dollars! McDonalds has not commented yet.. but I am sure their lawyers are digging up the account holder that uploaded the video and if it is an employee.... his phone records will be subpenoaed to see if there is any connection between the uploader and the plaintiff... such as "Hey if you upload these pics. we'll split our lawsuit winnings with you".

3. Fun and Games in The Twin Cities

Special thanks to the Drudge Report for uncovering this incredible story out of the Des Moines Register for pointing out that they were doing more than counting votes in Minneapolis last weekend.

38 year old Lois Feldman of Iowa went to last weekends Iowa Minnesota game with her husband Kelly. Mrs. Feldman admits that she had quite a few drinks prior to and during the game and just before halftime told her husband that she had to pish. The next thing she knew - she was under arrest.... Police found her in a - Mens room! and not alone... she was in the midst of some wild fun with a "Naked Man" and yadda yadda yadda... it was NOT her husband! The other fella was a 26 year old guy who Feldman claims she had not met until just prior to their encounter and she told the newspaper that she didnt even know his name till she saw it in the paper! According to the paper, about a dozen people were outside the stall cheering them on.. some even got a front row seat by peering between the cracks in the stall door! Feldman gave police wrong identification information which kept them from finding her husband... She ultimately hitched a ride back to her hotel with a stranger leaving her puzzled hubby behind. She has told the paper her husband has been supportive... but I don't buy this "I was out of control because I was drunk" excuse... although I would rather she her caught behind a toilet stall as opposed to behind a wheel. And, frankly after seeing that article over the weekend, call me naive.. but I was surprised how quickly the guy in the bathroom was able to get some action! That is until Monday when I discovered The Legend of... Naked Man. Nonetheless, you gotta admit that this woman is this year's winner of The Charles Kushner Turkey Award!


Pumpy won again last week to improve to 9-3... and clinched a winning record for the 3rd straight season! This week we go to Minnesota the home of last weekends notorious Minnesota Iowa game where the Vikings are 3 point faves over Chicago. Sayeth the Pump: "I take the Bears because I was just listening to Barenaked Ladies.... not the Group.... the Iowa female football fans who do the ol' 1-2 cha cha with strange men in stadium mens rooms!"


For the first time ever we are 10 games over at 23-13 after going 2-1 last week.

Giants 3 1/2 doggies over WASHINGTON - This might be a tough one... but a Giant win gives them a 1st round bye if they go on to beat Dallas for the division.

New Orleans 4 1/2 doggies over TAMPA BAY - Don't these oddsmakers see the huge points Drew Brees has been putting on the board??

GREEN BAY 3 faves over Carolina - If the Giants secure home field for the playoffs, I might have to start picking Jets games!

No comments: