Friday, November 14, 2008

Bloggiversary #3: 20 Wisecracks Worth Repeating

Well folks, we did it! This week we celebrate 3 years of NWOW with our 164th column! Amazingly I still haven't run out of material! I decided that for this year's Bloggiversary I would re-read the columns from the last 12 months and pull out some wisecracks that were worth repeating - kind of like the quotes section in your favorite magazine or newspaper.

While looking back at the last 12 months, I saw the usual columns about tv, movies, and baseball but also noticed that as the election drew closer we included a lot of political talk and columns that addressed the mortgage crisis. Even this week, lame duck George W left his legacy intact by implementing a program that will save homes from foreclosure. But if you read the fine print it's not quite what it is touted out to be. When this crisis was first starting, I remember the words of a former co-worker who is a Scott Garrett-esque right wing Republican. (Garrett was just on CNN saying we shouldn't bail out the automakers - which mean more Japanese cars and more American job losses.) This co-worker said helping people in foreclosure doesn't make sense to him because it would screw over wealthy Wall Street investors.

Some mortgage loans are split among investors. Let's say Shemps loan is split into 3 pieces and they are bought by Larry, Moe and Curly. If Shemp defaults, then Larry Moe and Curly lose money. If you read the fine print of the Bush announcement, you will see that mortgages that qualify are those that were sold off to investors. Which means his "Shemp" bailout is really a "Larry Moe and Curly" bailout.

So without any further ado, let's get this party started and look back at 20 of my favorite wisecracks from the past year.

1. This comes from the Nov. 22, 2007 Thanksgiving column relating to the controversy involving members of the Hoboken SWAT team that got caught in some monkey business with some Hooters girls...

"One thing I am thankful for today... besides Trophy Wife.. is the Cops who make our streets safe! Thank you! Also kudos to the Hoboken SWAT Team who should be reinstated! Next time there's a hostage situation, all they need to do is toss in some Hooters Babes and everybody can go home happy."

2. This is from December 13 of last year as I recall a crazy delirious night after getting sick with a nasty bug that led me to take some medication that was apparently somewhat mind altering! It involves a dream I had about Bil Keane from The Family Circus whose wife the inspiration for the Mommy character passed away earlier this year...

"I decided that I needed to sleep so I popped in some comfort food into the dvd player... "The Sound of Music".... the legendary Rogers and Hammerstein musical and the cure to soothe all of us who have a fever. I also had been reading through an old book of cartoons written by the legendary Bil Keane of The Family Circus but as I drifted off to cough medicine induced sleepy-land, I had the strangest dream. It was like a long movie trailer with a narrator...

Bil Von Keane led the charmed life. A retired Navy Captain, his life was filled with structure and discipline. Every morning after he woke up at precisely 0600, he drew a circle and moments later had a funny cartoon about his kids. The early successes of his cartoons gave him the opportunity to publish many books along with book signings across the country including a Barnes and Noble in NJ where he had the opportunity to once meet Former NJ Governor Tom Kean prompting Von Keane to declare.. "Why the hell do you pronounce your name cane? It should be Keane!"

Buyers of his books noticed something very interesting. On the back covers it had a biography of Bil Von Keane which told people that he was the father of 5 kids. But in The Family Circus strip.. there was only Billy, Jeffy, Dolly and PJ. What happened to the 5th kid? Why wasn't the 5th kid in the strip? What could that kid have done that was so bad to be left out of the strip?? Did Von Keane once threaten.. ."Either you finish your Brussels Sprouts... or I am dropping you from the comic strip!" Did he hit Dolly in the head with a frying pan?

The kids were a bit much.. as was his wife. She always complained that she only had one hairstyle change since 1950. But Bil Von Keane was a strict disciplinarian and he knew he needed help with the kids and the house. He hired an ex nun named Maria to be their governess. He was always entertaining guests at his big house and every evening prior to bedtime all the children had to come to the steps to bid the guests Good Night. And every night it was the same. Von Keane stepped forward... blew his whistle and each child stepped forward and announced his name...





"The Fifth Kid"...

And then they would all join in... "So Long, Farewell, auf weedershen adieu... Adieu Adieu to You and You and You and You and You.... Doo doo doo doo doo.

But a lot of secrets were hidden in the Von Keane house. Dolly had a telegram delivery friend named Elmo who lived near Dagwood Bumstead. Elmo used to spend a lot of quiet moments with her in the Von Keane gazebo. But Dolly was starting to lose Elmo... as the delivery boy was getting seduced by a growing militia from the Evil German Empire. The Germans were trying to persuade Von Keane to show his support for the incoming German regime...and join their military... but he refused! Ultimately the Von Keanes had to leave town, but just as their escape was complete there facing them with a drawn pistol was... Elmo??"

3. From the December 13th TV Quarterly Report - a plot I hatched to save the late and lamented Journeyman including a very accurate prediction of the 2008 Mets!

"Last year, the Jericho fans sent nuts to CBS execs because it related to that show's plot and with all those nuts pouring in CBS relented and is bringing the show back. As I pointed out in the comments section on TV critic Alan Sepinwall's blog, Monday's episode revealed that the son on Journeyman was conceived when his parents got frisky during a SF Giants game. So on the heels of the CBS-nuts-Jericho mailing campaign, I think that since Barry Bonds played for The Giants, Journeyman fans should mail steroids to NBC. Can you imagine Journeyman fans sneaking into NBC headquarters and injecting corporate bigshots with a shot of steroids in the tushy? Unless NBC comes to its senses, the only journeyman I will get to see is the parade of drek that will come out of the Mets bullpen starting in April."

4. The Jan 18 Octopussy review which featured a shot of Enco, the former name of Exxon (in the south - up here it was called Esso) discussing the impact of all these Indians moving to our area...

"Interestingly enough this movie was filmed in the early 1980s when a lot of us thought of India as an exotic foreign country.... but as Esso/Enco shifted to the back burner of our memory banks... Indians living in my part of NJ shifted curry to the front burners of their stoves taking away a lot of the mystery of this oh so exotic land" .

5. Jan 25, 2008 - discussing my preparations in case I meet an untimely end after learning a valuable lesson from Heath Ledger.

"By the way The Ledger refers to the Newark Star Ledger not the late actor Heath Ledger. Oh and by the way, if anybody ever finds me unconscious... don't call Mary Kate Olson... call freakin' 911!! I have now deleted all Olson sisters from my speed dial just to avoid the temptation!"

6. As we hit Feb. 1, the excitement of the Giants in the Super Bowl reached NWOW... this is from our Super Bowl Preview column... including a very interesting comment from Obama Supporter Pumpstradamus...

"I am excited for my Boys... and I hope to be here next week kvelling about The Giants and trash talking my pal Barry who just goes on and on with his endless Patriot/Red Sox/Celtic trash talking! I even have banned any reference to that other quarterback.... the show with the blended family with six kids has now been renamed the Manning Bunch... and the gun safetly laws named for Ronald Reagan's press secretary shot by John Hinckley has been renamed The Manning Bill! Until Monday at least...

Both myself and Pumpstradamus are predicting... A Giant victory!! Actually Pumpy originally was going to stick to his original pick of ... The Colts.. and yes folks he has no clue that the Colts QB and Giants QB are brothers!! I asked him again... and sayeth The Pump:

I'm taking the Giants, because Giuliani (whose name also begins with "Gi") dropped out of the race this week to back McCain, who's from Arizona (and of course, the game will be played in Arizona) . Go Giants, and go McCain!"

7. Then we had this nugget about Mitt Romney from Feb, 7th...

"I think back to 1986 when The Mets beat The Red Sox in the World Series and I recall a great idea of a campaign commercial with Red Sox first baseman Bill Buckner.

"Hi this is Bill Buckner reminding you to Vote Romney For President - because everyone in America could use a good Mitt!!"

8. On Feb 15th we discussed the trend of self destructing celebrities and the importance of using words in the proper context...

"Thursday, was showing that hysterical clip of a live discussion of The Vagina Monologues on The Today Show where Jane Fonda drops the c word on a stunned and mortified Meredith Viera. Its a funny clip, and even though Jane says it was the title of a monologue, you would think that the daughter of Henry Fonda would be savvy enough to know that you can't say the c word on TV.. even though its ok to have James Bond movies with Pussy Galore and Octopussy... Of course, they can talk about The Vagina Monologues till they're blue in the testicles... but God forbid Jane Fonda drops the C-word! Now all hell breaks loose... (even though The Today Show airs out of 30 Rock... the same building which created Triumph the Insult Comic Dog who recorded a song called "Cats are C-words".)

And isn't language all about context?? Hey The James Bond characters Pussy Galore and Octopussy, and The Sopranos Big Pussy are ok... and MTV can have a show called "pimp my ride" which has nothing to do with hookers.. but if an MSNBC commentator makes a wisecrack that Chelsea Clinton is being "pimped" out,.. everybody goes nuts because the word pimp could be looked at possibly as connecting Chelsea to the world's oldest profession! Just like Imus's usage of the word ho's which got him into such hot water. It was used as slang.... not to imply the Rutgers women were hookers... but nonetheless, the PC Police were all out in full force."

9. On March 11th, singer Lipa Schmeltzer was a hot topic. The ultra Orthodox singer was forced to cancel a concert in a manner that evoked memories of an early 70s cinematic masterpiece...

"Ultimately, the newspaper proudly recounts what happened next. Some powerful Rabbis within that community called Lipa in... and apparently those extremist activists must have approached those clergymen on the day of their daughter's wedding because you can never turn someone away on the day of your daughter's wedding... As a result these Rabbis made Lipa an offer he could not refuse. He was called to the Brooklyn home of one of the Rabbis and asked to sign a document that he would not appear at this concert. Basically it was either his signature or his payis! Ultimately it was try the cholent but save the spongecake... (Is there a Jewish food that resembles canolis?) And the producer who lost a ton of money was figuratively dragged out to the middle of the lake for a Fredo-esque farewell.... because if the show was not canceled, he would be swimming with the gefilte fish... or wake up in the morning and find himself in bed with the head of a horse radish."

10. Coming in at No. 10 - hey I feel like Casey Kasem. March 30th - our baseball preview and a bizarre injury involving a former Met.

"The Astros also picked up former Met Kaz Matsui from Colorado... but he is out for now due to an Anal Fissure. Anal Fissure? Is that any relation to Ira Joe Fissure."

11. This clip from May 11th is pretty self contained...

"Speaking of the Devils, I saw in the newspaper this week that a judge has issued arrest warrants for 2 former Meadowlands based athletes... onetime NY Giant Bart Oates and former NJ Devil Ken Daneyko because they failed to show up to give depositions in a real estate lawsuit. The judge in Newark is Judge Michael Giles, who it was revealed a few weeks ago got into a bit of trouble for cursing in his courtroom. What happens if these 2 guys show up in court, and the judge roots for The Jets and The Rangers? Is he going to yell at them.... "You bastards....." etc.??"

12. More political yuks from June 4th

"Hillary appeared at Baruch College and added an atta adonay to pray that she can somehow not give up her race for the Democratic ticket"

13. From June 16th, discussing the death of Family Man Tim Russert where he was described here as...

"... a tough, well prepared interviewer who was notorious for being such a big family man especially to his dad Big Russ and son Luke who he talked about endlessly. And you can tell by NBC and MSNBC's weekend coverage that this was one well liked fella. Can you imagine him at the hospital introducing himself to his newborn son with a Vader-esque..."Luke I am your father".

14. On July 7th NWOW weighed in on the Christie Brinkley divorce trial from that kooky ex husband..

"And he pays for porn? Hey save your shekels.. there is a TON of free porn out there – at least that is what I have heard. I would think that this is only such a hot topic since Brinkley was a former model who has aged quite well now that she is in her 50s…. I woulda thought she would have started to look like David Brinkley by now…"

15. Here are a couple of nuggets about the All Star Game that I posted shortly after that marathon game ended including an observation about George Steinbrenner..

"Incidentally, George wore his sunglasses at night at a game that ended on a throw by... Corey Hart!"


"I think the Tampa Bay Rays have the right combo of hitting and starting pitching led by former Met Scott Kazmir. Therefore I pick the Rays for the Wild Card even though everyone still calls them by their old name of Devil Rays. Can we call them Blu Rays instead? And maybe refer to the Yankees as the HD-DVD of the 2008 season?"

16. On September 4th, it was time for the Republican convention - and our first introduction to Sara Palin!

"I watched Palin Friday and the first thing that came to mind was she was wearing Amy Winehouse's hair. (If you were born before 1970... she was wearing Ruth Buzzi's hair). Now she has let her hair down and looks pretty hot. That 18 year old boy who impregnated her jailbait daughter probably had a few "Stiffler's Mom" shrieks during his evenings of passion with the first daughter.

Now on Labor Day we heard that the older 17 year old daughter is pregnant by an 18 year old boyfriend whose hockey abilities obviously include being able to slip one past the goalie. The Republicans who think that pregnant teens only exist on The Maury Povich Show quickly announced that this girl's pregnancy has no relevance."

17. That same September 4th column also featured the 1st of 3 wacky observations about John King and his crazy CNN map... here we refer to a comment Roger Ebert made about his former co-worker, columnist Jay Mariotti... where he told his former colleague.... 'On your way out, don't let the door bang you on the ass."

"Also John King has his amazing little election map that he smacks with his hand..... you almost wish he would yell Big Bucks, No Whammies and Stop beforehand,.... to show how each area has voted. It was cool to see him at his map talking to Governors who might have lost a Geography Bee to King about regions of their own state. He even let some Governors touch the map....which they seemed to find very exciting. I wonder if he takes that map home at night.. throws fellow CNN colleague/fiance Dana Bash on top of it and does the ol' Hoochy McScoochy right on top of it. If Dana positions herself correctly on the midwest.. one could see Ebert making more wisecracks about being banged on the ass...."

This topic was revisited again on October 17th,....

"Dana married her first husband - a guy named Bash and took on his name. Now she is married to John King.. but still goes by the last name of her ex husband. It's kind of odd that John King will speak to her on the air and refer to her by her previous husband's last name! Imagine if she hyphenated her name... then divorced hubby #2 and married Tony Robbins... her name would be Dana Bash-King Robbins! By the way, just like the aforementioned Elizabeth Banks, John King converted to Judaism prior to the wedding, which is physically more painful for a man than a woman. Mazel tov to the King family and tune in later today on CNN as John King and Larry King will have a Shmini Atzeret trivia contest."

And again on Halloween, this time using his map as a teaching tool about other topics...

"Btw, can you imagine if he uses that map highlighter to teach his kids about the birds and the bees? Here on the east coats is the daddy and his shmeckle - Over in California, this is the mommy and her eggs. Now if the shmeckle juice ends up swimming through the midwest...."

18. The changes to Rutgers Football Stadium were mentioned on September 19th...

"I actually live near the new and improved Rutgers Stadium and it is pretty cool to drive past it during a game. The stands are positioned so that the fans appear to jut out almost on to River Road and as I drive by I see the fans cheering (well maybe not this season) and I can almost imagine them saying... "Great driving job Nate!... Great footwork on the gas pedal!"

19. Speaking of Stadiums, on October 3rd we had these comments about Shea and Yankee Stadiums

"I was kind of curious what the Shea finale would be like after seeing the great show that was put on at Yankee Stadium the previous week. It was neat to see Yogi Berra who had a key role for both franchises participate at both Stadium Closing ceremonies. Perhaps Yogi should be hired for other closings.... like bank closings? Hey join us this week as we close the doors on Wachovia... with a special appearance by Yogi Berra!!

At that point it was time for the last pitch - an incredibly clever idea which Tom Seaver tossed to Mike Piazza. The two then walked to the outfield to In My Life by The Beatles... don't forget The Beatles concert was an important part of Shea's history - and strolled to the center field wall... at which point they closed the wall behind them essentially closing the Stadium.

It would have been nice if right before that, they would have tossed a grenade into the bullpen and just blow it up... but that was not meant to be."

20. And finally from October 31 - some keen observations about Republicans right before the elections, including several late campaign speeches by Sarah Palin where she attempted to win the Jewish vote by making harsh comments about Palestinians.

"One campaign that caught my attention is the Republican hot bed in Northwest NJ where a blind Rabbi named Dennis Shulman is running for Congress against incumbent Scott Garrett. Hey, I'd rather have a blind Rabbi than a blind mohel.

And, with all this anti Palestinian talk, Sarah Palin is starting to look like Meir Kahane with boobs"

And there you have it.... 20 wisecracks from the last year.. incidentally the original version had it as Meir Kahane with a different female body part, but some people thought that might be too rough for the possible future VP... Well, Palin lost... although I get the feeling we haven't seen the last of her - and Bloggiversary #7 could very well be a recap of her Election Day loss to President Obama!

PUMPSTRADAMUS PICK OF THE WEEK - Pumpy tasted defeat last week to drop his record to 7-3. Two bloggiversaries ago, we started the tradition of picking the San Fransisco game after Nancy Pelosi's big showing in 2006. This week its the enthralling match up between the 49ers and The Rams. The Niners are 6 and a half point faves. Sayeth The Pump: "In honor of Obama's selection of Rahm Emanuel I gotta go with the obvious - The 49ers, because Rahm will celebrate his 49th birthday in 2 weeks!".

UNBIASED GIANTS FAN PICKS OF THE WEEK: Last week we went 1-2 to drop to 19-11.

GIANTS 6 1/2 point faves over Baltimore - I heard that a Jersey City Councilman got arrested for pishing off a balcony at a bar last week. I hope that if he attends this game his seats are in the pish proof lower deck!

Detroit 14 doggies to CAROLINA - Even though everybody thinks the Lions-Titans game will be 0-11 vs. 11-0, an 0-9 team can be very dangerous and shouldn't be taken for granted.

Vikings 3 1/2 doggies over TAMPA BAY - The more Tampa and Atlanta lose, the closer the Giants get to a playoff berth. I think Minnesota-ans are so tired of the Coleman-Franken race that they will welcome the distraction!

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