Thursday, December 08, 2005

Obscene Clone Falls

Here is a very short movie clip of the paparazzi stalking me… actually it’s my sweet wife asking me about the blog. Hit play to see it, and while you wait for it to load… feast your eyes on my review of Star Wars II. (Thanks to for helping me with the code!)

So since the Bible starts with Adam… so will this review.

Adam… a friend of mine in VA sent me an email after my review of Star Wars I saying I was mistaken to say it was a stretch how absurd it is that little Annikin Skywalker saved the world. “Obviously”, he emailed me, “you just don’t understand the power of The Force!’. And that’s true… I liked the special effects in the first movie, but frankly the story bored me and I thought a lot of the twists were preposterous..

I remember when Star Wars II came out because Triumph the Insult Comic Dog went to an opening and heckled the sci fi fans with some of his funniest lines ever broadcast. Speaking of Triumph I decided to pop in his dvd “Come Poop with Me”. The bad news is the video production quality is awful…the video posted here by my lovely wife has better standards than CPWM. The content for the most part is somewhat funny… it features a show done by the dog at Irving Plaza. There are some very amusing moments…. A song about roundworms is quite original, along with a hard rock duet with Jack Black that blasts game show legend Bob Barker’s signoff about having your dog neutered. I never thought about the dog’s perspective on this issue! Some of the bits just don’t click, such as an interview with Janeane Garafolo, and others are slightly amusing such as a chat with an apparently intoxicated Dell Guy….The highlight was probably a song about cats that manages to use the most offensive word in the English language in a rather non-offensive way…. There is also a cd that features some amusing obscene phone calls.

As for Attack of the Clones, I really liked this movie. The force is very apparent in this film…as the story takes place approximately 10 years after the Phantom Menace. I would assume that Annikin is about 18-20 at this point…and boy does he have women issues.. He’s obsessed with his mother, and his hormones are raging for the hot little Queen…… She has gone from being the Queen to being a senator. That might also happen in Massachusetts if Senator Ted Kennedy retires and is replaced by Barney Frank.

Well all hell is breaking loose in our little universe. Natalie Portman’s character has been the target of an assassination attempt which instead claimed the life of her queen/senator impostor. This brings Annakin back to the fold because he and a now bearded Obie wan Kenobie are called in to keep an eye on her. I must have 24 withdrawal because again, the plot resembles a 24 episode where Obie is Jack Bauer and Annakin is his annoying daughter Kim… except with Chloe’s emotional baggage.

A woman tries to kill the Senator and after a wild breathtaking chase scene in the first half hour she fesses up in her last moments about a bounty hunter who hired her for the dastardly deed. Here’s where the trouble starts… Obie is off to find the bounty hunter and Horny boy sky walker gets to be Natalie Portman’s bodyguard. Jedis are not allowed to pursue women, but then again Catholic priests are not allowed to act on their urges towards young fellas. It doesn’t take long for Annakin to start his pursuit of the lovely Senator.

This is where the movie takes a very ugly turn. Annakin decides to go back to his home planet to see his mom. It also reunites us with C3P0 who sounds very much like an adult Stewie Griffin. Mama Skywalker has been kidnapped… and Annakin finds her.. just moments before she dies. Annakin isn’t too thrilled with this and proceeds to kill not only the kidnappers but also the women and children in the village. He confesses this to Portman who just writes it off to a bad day for her much younger paramour and ooh la la lets pursue our budding romance. Isn’t it kind of weird for Portman’s character to lust for someone who she knew when he was a child? Isn’t this something you would expect to see in a Woody Allen movie? Isn’t this Annnakin kind of disturbing? This is an aspring Jedi?

While Annakin if off getting lucky and killing women and children,….. Obie does the hard work. He finds the bounty hunter on a planet whose identity has been removed from all of the maps. Upon arriving there he finds out that the dude has cloned himself thousands of times and created a huge army! An army for a war that the Jedi would like to avoid at all costs… but it can’t be prevented.. That’s why the movies are called Star WARS…. and there are still 4 more movies to go! (If there were no war.. they would have called it something else… maybe Star Jones? .She still doesn’t look good despite the weight loss!)

Our poor Obie gets himself into deep doo doo thanks to the jedi who was his master’s master, played fantastically by Christopher Lee. The only way he bails out is the army comes to his rescue. Nobody saw it coming that the Jedi would have such a strong army so quickly….. It was like the feeling Israel’s enemies had after they decided to launch an attack one day after it became a state in 1948.... Incidentally, the army that saved the jedi came to fruition thanks to the effort of the much maligned Jar Jar Binks who sponsored the legislation that gave the Chancellor the emergency powers he needed to create the aforementioned army. Little did we know at the time that the Chancellor isn’t really such a good guy. Well maybe you people knew.. But I sure as heck didn’t have a clue.

And of course, Adam is right… I really don’t know too much about the Force, and frankly this Annakin is a real head case. I do like Yoda however… a little 2 foot 700 year old gremlin looking character who like Jar Jar is a result of computer animation…. although I recall reading he is a puppet in the movies from the 70s and 80s. Yoda is THE man in my book. The little guy gets into a light saber fight with Christopher Lee which had the pregame odds similar to a sumo match between Emanuel Lewis and Shaquille O’Neill. I thought Lee was fantastic in that scene… even though during filming he stood on the sideline and watched his stunt double do all the work. Aw c’mon.. the guy was 80 at the time!

The movie was not made for me… it was made for the original Star Wars fans. Those fans who walked out of this movie eagerly anticipated Star Wars III to see how Lucas will thread the needle to the Star Wars 1977 movie. (some also ran to their 2002 “web logs” to complain about Triumph the Dog) But even though I am not a fan per se… I am also looking forward to Star Wars III…. And that’s just because I am curious to see how this whole thing turns out, not knowing how it will relate to 4,5, and 6.

Overall…. The plot and special effects were pretty damn good, Natalie Portman sure looked hot in that little white outfit.. … and the battle scenes are outstanding, ….. they are a cinematographic masterpiece. On a scale of 1 to 4 bladders meaning how likely I would be to leave in the middle to go to the bathroom…. Star Wars II gets three and a half bladders..... Come Poop with Me gets only 2 bladders.

No comments: