Tuesday, April 24, 2007

The Ballad of Melanie McGuire

I have always been a big fan of The Mamas and The Papas. I was watching a recent Channel 13 documentary about them during a begathon featuring the still fabulous Michelle Phillips and it occurred to me that the only person who had a good singing voice among the foursome was Mama Cass.

Before we get to the ballad of Melanie McGuire.. let’s first look at another McGuire… the very talented Barry McGuire…who sang the very powerful song “Eve of Destruction”. He and Roger aka Jim McGuinn were becoming big time rockers with The Byrds when John Phillips was looking to form The Mamas and The Papas. That piece of rock and roll history along with the story of how The Mamas and The Papas got together is told in the legendary M and P song Creeque Alley...and knowing the song will greatly enhance your enjoyment of today’s column. I recommend you click here to see an incredibly informative website that explains what the song is about. One of my buddies was a big fan of The Mamas and The Papas and named his body parts - One day he had a terrible case of Jock Itch and announced that "John and Mitchy were getting kind of itchy".

Today’s column is "The Ballad of Melanie McGuire" who was convicted Monday on charges that she barbarically murdered her husband by hacking him to bits and dumping him in a suitcase off the Chesapeake River. What really bugs me about this woman is her sheer narcissism that she thought she could just kill this poor guy and get away with it. She even had the audacity to cover her tracks by challenging EZ Pass charges that put her near the Chesapeake, and bizarre taxicab adventures explaning how she went to Atlantic City to move her husband's car as "a prank to annoy him". Does she really think she is so smart and the cops are so stupid? Constitutionally speaking she had the right to a strong defense, but does she really think her bigshot lawyer Joe Tacopina really believed she was innoncent and didn't take on the case so he could get a ton of free publicity with Court TV face time?

I find it hard to believe that she acted alone, and after watching a ton of Law and Order reruns, it amazes me that her narcissism never allowed her accept the inevitable plea deal to give up an accomplice who must have helped her with the heavy chopping and the suitcase packing. Its incredibly arrogant that she wouldn’t take a plea and instead went with the Little Miss Innocent Defense, led by bigshot lawyer Joe Tacopina. Both of ‘em had egg on their face on Monday.

For those of you who haven’t been following this sordid storyline.. Melanie McGuire has her own website soliciting money for what turned out to be her losing defense fund. According to the Melanie McGuire website, she started out life as Melanie Slate, growing up in Ridgewood, New Jersey. She graduated Middletown High School South in 1990, graduated Rutgers in 1994 and a Nursing School in 1997. Murder wasn’t the first of The Ten Commandments she opted to violate.. She started having an affair with her murdered husband while he was married to his first wife… and then started her little affair with her colleague Dr. Bradley Miller while she was 9 months pregnant.

In case you missed the trial… Melanie was accused of chopping up her husband,.. putting him in 3 suitcases and then hightailing it down the Turnpike where she dumped the suitcases off a bridge into the Chesapeake River. At the time, she was a nurse at a fertility clinic and having an affair with Fertility Doc Dr. Miller. Her trial was on Court TV and her lawyer is high profile defense att'y Joe Tacopina. She had originally reported the husband missing, shortly after they bought a new house in Warren County…. claiming he had a gambling problem and she told cops she thought he was at Trump's Taj Mahal casino. However she did admit she went down to AC.. found his car… (even though most people can't find a car in a mall parking lot; yet she found it in AC!) and moved it just to mess with his head. The cops also had a couple of ex boyfriends call her, and while secretly recording the conversations, tried to get the fellas to get Melanie to fess up. She also denied being on the highway when the suitcases were dumped… disputing EZ Pass records showing tolls paid by her. Is that the height of arrogance? Kill somebody and then order EZ Pass to remove the charges? I wonder if she haggled with the salesman when she bought those suitcases?

By the way, if anyone is offended by the song, I apologize, the song is not intended to cause pain.. the real pain came when this horrible woman hacked this poor guy to death. I watched her cry Monday afternoon as the jury rightfully threw the book at her.. she cried because she's not as smart as she thought and she got caught. How much pain was he in as he got chopped to bits? But inevitably, through the power of Google.. somebody will meander over here... how ironic that was the same website Melanie used to find ways to murder her husband! That just did not look good for her when her husband ended up dead. She also poisoned him with a forged prescription she picked up at Walgreens near my old condo, and stayed at a hotel right near the Walgreens! Employees for both those establishments testified during the just completed trial. I was also fascinated by the unconfirmed rumors that they never found this poor guy's tuchis.

The Ballad of Melanie McGuire is to the tune of the classic “Creeque Alley“.. a rather complex song, yet it matches up perfectly like the poetry of Shakespeare’s Iambic Pentameter.

Here is the original song off You Tube.. Now as it plays on your screen read along with the words.. It wouldn’t be a bad idea if you watch the real version also, since it really is a pretty awesome song…

And now…. The Ballad of Melanie McGuire!


Melanie was bitchy and getting kind of itchy
Just to leave her ol’ hubby behind…
Her boss Dr. Miller who was dating a killer
Thought his nurse was just fine
In the court Joe Tacopina sat
He told the jury, hubby was a rat

Melanie McGuire was a suitcase buyer,
In NJ…. y’know where that’s at?
She chopped her hubby up
But where‘s his ass?…

Doc Miller said “Melanie… you know that aren’t many
Who can make those moves the way that you do.. Lets go south“..
Melanie said “Boss.. golly don’t you think that I wish
I could spend more time with you…”
She wondered if she could kill with a gun, knife or bat? …
So she pulled the choice right out of a hat.

Melanie McGuire was a suitcase buyer,
In NJ…. y’know where that’s at?
She chopped her hubby up
But where‘s his ass?…

When Melanie was a wife,… she wanted a new life
And figured it all out one day
She drove down the turnpike - with a deadman she didn’t like
Not to New York - the other way
She told cops her hubby was losing at Trumps
But she really had a bag filled with stumps

Melanie McGuire was a suitcase buyer,
In NJ…. y’know where that’s at?
She chopped her hubby up
But where‘s his ass?…

Hubby Dumps, Don Trumps, Body Stumps, Bridge Jumps,
Melanie would work as hard shed play
Drink up, broke up.. her life was shook up
She decided it had be that way
Once a nurse for a doc of fertility
Now she’s a Court tv celebrity…

Melanie McGuire was a suitcase buyer,
In NJ…. y’know where that’s at?
She chopped her hubby up
But where‘s his ass?…

Broke, busted, disgusted…
Old boyfriends cant be trusted
On tape, they asked if hubby was tossed in the sea
Melanie couldn’t take it,
She knew she had to fake it
The jury would know eventually
Tacopina maxed her American express Card
Finding hubbys car in AC was so hard

The defense machinations, was her imagination
The lies went on indefinitely

But Melanie in Prison is becoming a reality…

Becoming a reality

Hey maybe I'll get my fur hat and borrow Neil’s guitar and record this and post it on You Tube.

Now for the Clip of The Week… Here is the original Barry McGuire classic.. Eve of Destruction… Can you imagine if they had MTV back in the 60's? It's kind of an odd video don't you think? And let's not even discuss those pants!


Anonymous said...

Nate - very clever, but a bit distasteful. Great work though.

Nate said...

Thanks for the comment.. If you think that was clever/distasteful .. wait till you hear the recording!! Stay tuuuu-ned...

Anonymous said...

Distasteful? Yeah sure...but very funny none-the-less! Thanks for the laugh!!

Nate said...

Just wait another week or so and we will have the recording unleashed on the universe.. The name is Topaz right? I think you're the person who told the Court TV Melanie Message board about the song. Thanks!