Thursday, September 07, 2006

Summer News Round-Up

Well folks.. As Jerry Lewis belted out his annual rendition of “You Will Never Walk Alone”…the summer of '06 drew to its inevitable unofficial conclusion.  This was supposed to be the summer of “Snakes on a Plane“, yet most of us ended up watching “Anchorwoman on a Toilet“ instead... which has led to the new catch phrase for control freaks across the nation..."You are such a Kyra Phillips sister-in-law!"  

Tuesday night, Katie Couric announced at the end of her first CBS Newscast that she needed some help from her viewers to design a new sign-off for the end of the program.  Here's one... "I'm taking off my microphone and I'm going to pish! Good Night America!"  

Thankfully Phillps ill fated bathroom break did not take place during Presidential comments on the release of info about CIA worker Valerie Plame or else the puns would have been flying about The Bush Leak.  I wonder if this was all part of a CNN bladder busting bar drinking game where the loser had to throw departing news anchor Daryn Kagan a going away party and purchase all gag gifts relating to former boyfriend Rush Limbaugh's need for Viagra. Phillips got what she had coming to her since everyone knows its impolite to start chatting with adjacent stall sitters unless you are asking if they can spare a square... and as the ol saying goes.. "you cant spell Phillips without Pish".. and we are all happy that that is not how the conversation started.  Viewers of “The Family Guy” are also happy that Phillips and her ladies room amiga did not recreate the infamous adjacent stall scene featuring Peter Griffin and Michael Moore and their rendition of “Dueling Banjoes”.


The summer is always a quiet time for news... Usually a hurricane or 2 will blow through in August giving news reporters a chance to stand out in a storm and tell us how lousy the weather is.  Thankfully we didn’t get hit with any major storms this summer so the news starved all news networks were forced to saturate us with coverage about the arrest of John Karr.. the loony tune who thinks he killed Jon Benet Ramsey.  The guy’s general demeanor showed he was not operating with a full deck and many were aware that there were holes in the case.  Nonetheless, once Karr was brought to the USA from his elementary school teacher job in Thailand, DA Mary Lacey was blasted by the media when his DNA cleared him.  However, maybe Lacey was on to something.  He may be innocent in the Ramsey killing (even though he probably has deluded himself into thinking he really did it) but at least Lacey got this admitted pedophile off the streets of Thailand.. and I’m quite sure the parents whose kids were in his school are quite ecstatic that he is out of the classroom!  Why don’t we start arresting all child molesters and charge them in the Ramsey case? Megan's Law has the list.. just take 'em off the streets.. and bring 'em in...  By a show of hands.. does anybody object to this? Just think.. the ACLU will have a field day...

Speaking of poor little Jon Benet Ramsey, I saw a pretty good movie this summer addressing the whole topic of little kids entered in beauty pageants called  "Little Miss Sunshine". It was actually made a couple of years ago and I got a chance to see it a few weeks ago at the local multiplex.  Here is some interesting irony,... the air conditioning was broken in the theater showing World Trade Center and a couple left the movie and asked for a refund because the theater was uncomfortable. Uh, folks you’re watching a movie where thousands of people died a horrific death and you’re upset because the AC is not at a crispy 67.  

Anyway LMS was filmed before Steve Carrel was famous... and he plays the uncle of a little girl entered in the LMS beauty pageant.  I will not spoil the plot but some of the girls in the pageant were made up so scarily that I wonder how the parents of the young actresses were not cringing in horror during the filming.. kind of like the parents of the kid who plays the little daughter on "Life with Louie"...  However the movie does address this horrible sexualizing of little kids, and although the movie is supposed to be funny. it's tragic how these little girls are forced to grow up so fast.. and its unfortunate that there are so many creeps out there who enjoy these “pageants” for the wrong reasons.  Its ironic that this movie was finally released at around the same time of Karr's arrest because it really makes you wonder about the hypocrisy of these talent show producers who draw this bizarre line where they will scoff at certain performances, yet applaud others while pedophiles lurk in the wings enjoying every second of it.


Its interesting to note that Mason filed suit during the same week that Tom Cruise paid a visit to Brooke Shields to apologize for his nasty comments he made about her for seeking help for post partum depression. Cruise belongs to that wacky Church of Scientology which rejects all uses of professional psychiatry. That kind of makes sense because if a Scientologist goes to see a shrink.. The shrink will just tell them.. “Hey you’re in a cult.”.

Then you have the wacko Jews for Jesus aka Messianic Jews cult. The J for J premise is about as logical as the PETA President wearing a fur coat. I like Christians.. But the idea of telling someone that you can be Jewish AND "accept" Jesus religiously is pure silliness since Judaism by definition rejects that notion.. But this cult pulls the ol’ Scientology rigamarole. Out of sheer boredom one day… I actually read some of the stupidities on their website and one of their tenets is that they reject all teachings of Orthodox Rabbis. Well duh… of course.. Because like the psychiatrist… the Rabbi like anybody else with half a brain calls this group of morons a fund raising cult. How many poor people do they recruit by the way?

This group of morons just wrapped up their big summer recruitment campaign which included advertising featuring Jackie Mason that prompted the lawsuit. Then the buffoons even tried to infiltrate the Hasidic community for new recruits. They would have a better shot of getting the Lubavitcher Rebbe to eat a ham sandwich in Macy’s window on Yom Kippur Morning. But folks, the major campaign really begins now.. when they target young freshmen on college campuses. Most of these kids are away from home for the first time and are lonely and vulnerable and are prime for cult recruitment. If you know of someone who is going to a new school.. See that they have a good support system during the first few months.


This one takes the cake: A guy walks into a Hillside auto dealer and decides to buy a luxury car. A few months later he decides to resell it but finds out that the car had actually been recalled by the manufacturer due to “a defect”. The guy sues the dealer and the judge awards him 300k as part of the Lemon Law! When the car dealer couldn’t come up with the cash… 3 luxury cars were seized at his lot and were to be sold at auction through a Sheriffs Sale in Union County. The dealer wanted his cars back but first he had to find out where the auction was going to be since it was only advertised in the Sheriff’s Office!

The dealer showed up at the auction and every time he bid, another bidder kept bidding moving the price up. Finally, the bidding ended at 110k and the dealer was able to buy his cars back. Or so he thought. It turned out he needed a certified check to pay the auctioneer and even though he had a courier en route with the necessary shekels, the plaintiff in the suit refused to allow him the extra time to get the moolah. As a result the other bidder was declared the winner. But at that point he said …. “Y’know what, I don’t want those cars after all”.. so it was on to Plan C… which means the “default bid”. The default bid was for 300 bucks and the bidder was the plaintiff who now has all 3 cars for 300 bucks while the car dealer still owes him the entire sum of the lawsuit minus 300 bucks!

The car dealer thinks there has been some monkey business going on so the cars remain impounded pending a court hearing this Friday. And by the way the original car’s defect involved a problem with the radio… and the plaintiff in the suit is the stepson of the Union County Sheriff.


Here is my pick for Thursday Night’s NFL Season Premiere… we’re taking the Dolphins over the Steelers in a pick ‘em while all the Steelers fans google “appendectomy” and “motorcycle crash” to see if Ben Roethlisberger’s emergency surgery is more than just a coincidence. Our picks will appear in this spot each Friday starting later this week. See you then!

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