Thursday, November 24, 2005

Psychic Matters, or Do Psychics Matter?

Q What do you call a midget psychic who escapes from jail?
A. A small medium at large.

And now something deep for the Thanksgiving (and Delgado arrival) celebration…

Who… other than a psychic would know on New Year’s Day what we will be thankful for on Thanksgiving?

The end of 2005 is approaching now that we are hearing all this talk about the Time Magazine Person of the Year. Personally, I would give it to Terry Schiavo. Her husband’s decision to pull her feeding tube gave the crazy right wingers a new bandwagon to jump on as they exploited Terry’s parents feud with the husband and turned this personal family matter into a national debate. Fox News, CNN and MSNBC waited with baited breath for her imminent death. And as the reporters posted at the hospice with the traveling circus listened to their earpieces with baited breath for Vatican updates, they knew fell well that the Pope’s death would knock them off the front burner and into well deserved obscurity. Only a psychic would know that Natalee Holloway would later disappear and give us a summer of pre hurricane nightly news updates courtesy of the Gretas and Geraldos.

Anyway, I like reading the annual list of great quotes…. Here are two favorites about today’s Thanksgiving topic .. psychics.

“Have you seen the new show The Ghost Whisperer on CBS? Last week, Nipsey Russell contacted the psychic and told her to call the LA Times to cancel his subscription.

Gilbert Gottfried…
“I went to a movie with Nostradamus, and as we walked out I said..”boy what an ending”. And he looked at me and said… “What, you didn’t see that coming?”

Psychics fascinate me. My lovely wife and I went to the City the other night and as were eating we saw all the aspiring actors waiting on us. Where do aspiring psychics go? Did you know that John Edward used to work in a hospital? It makes you wonder if he went to the Emergency Room on his lunch break and cherry picked the patients so the doctors would know who to treat. “Hey the kid with the broken leg.. Don’t bother, he’ll get a blood clot and die tom’w, but the 80 year old guy with the chest pains… he’s got another 10 years”. Or maybe he went to the morgue and heard dead people there…can you imagine.. ”hey mister, can you readjust me; the coroner left my shmeckle leaning to the left, but I prefer it leaning to the right”.

What other jobs do they get? I always wanted to open a restaurant and hire psychic waiters. The customers come in, sit down, and voila their food is waiting for them without even having to order. Or, maybe the condo complex could hire psychic lifeguards, “hey lifeguard.. little Jimmy is stuck in the deep end”.. “Don’t worry ma’am, even though he’s turning blue, he’ll be perfectly fine”.

How about a psychic rabbi? I would like to visit a synagogue that has a psychic rabbi who has a fixation with “Meatballs”… Can you imagine him on Yom Kippur standing with a repenter during the Al Chait prayer (where you smack your heart, trying to be inscribed into the Book of Life) telling the congregant “Uh…. Don’t bother.. You can pray all you want.. But it just doesn’t matter, it just doesn’t matter… IT JUST DOESN’T MATTER…”

I think I’m gonna rent Meatballs this wknd along with Attack of the Clones.

Happy Thanksgiving.


Craig said...

Mr. Kean, I am writing to pre-emptively lodge a complaint about the issue you will be thinking about tomorrow night, and that you will post on your blog next Tuesday. You are a sick, disgusting man! What nerve...

Nate said...

Hmmm... I didn't think I'd get heckled by a psychic. Ok weisenheimer, if you're such a maven, what am I thinking about today as a topic for the upcoming post?