Friday, October 12, 2007

Fun and Games in Cleveland

Doesn't it seem like all the action seems to be going on in Cleveland??


The American League portion of the League Championship Series starts this weekend as the Indians take on the Boston Red Sox. If you read last week's column you will recall that I picked the Indians to win it all. Even back in March I had the Indians going to the World Series against the Mets.. but that ain't happenin'. Met fans who hate the Yankees were also quite pleased to see that the Indians knocked the Bombers out of the playoffs Monday Night. And, if you are a Yankee and Cowboy hater you almost had 10 minutes of sports nirvana on Monday Night when the Cowboys looked to be on the road to defeat. However, their miracle last minute win against Buffalo kept it from being the perfect sports night!

Cleveland showed how good they are when they beat out the much hyped Detroit Tigers for the AL Central Crown. Speaking of Detroit... kudos to the prison guards who are reponsible for "Suicide Watch". By now you heard about that despicable Assistant US Attorney who was busted for trying to arrange a sexual tryst with a five year old girl whose mom he met on the internet, but instead found his little sexcapade was part of a police sting operation. John Atchinson's first suicide attempt didn't work out too well but as they say, if at first you don't succeed.... Prison guards on Suicide Watch weren't able to stop his 2nd attempt and now not only is this child molestor dead.. but our taxpayer money won't have to pay for this child molestor's prison stint.. Good job by the guards! Keep it up fellas! I wonder if the failure of the suicide watch guards actually is an issue when they come up for their annual review?

This brings me to an idea for a reality TV Show. They could do the Chris Hanson Dateline NBC Pedophile Busts with a twist. Do the stings live.. and keep a hangman's rope on the set,.... Then, once Chris does his post "you're busted sleazebag" interview, the Pedophile can walk out to the waiting police... or just hang himself. The twist is you bring out a game show set with bells and whistles like Deal or No Deal and players can place bets... sort of like OTB on whether the pedophile will walk out to the Police or just hang himself right there on live TV. The ratings would be astronomical!!


Bob Barker out... Drew Carey in... Time for the cats and dogs to stop worrying at 11:57 every morning now that Bob won't be telling us to spay and neuter them... Drew won't say it too... will he?? I still think Dave Price would have been a better choice... a good game show needs a good straight man to play to the strengths of the game's contestants.. Drew was a great straight man on Whose Line is it Anyway, but he belongs on a Match Game remake where he can play it straight to professional funny people. Shows like TPIR need someone vanilla like Pat Sajak to move the show along by turning the spotlight on the player instead of themselves... Do you remember the pre-Letterman CBS Sajak late night bore fest??

And Drew has those glasses... He may have started the trend picked up by Claire's dad on Heroes who always has those horn rimmed glasses. Speaking of which, there's something I noticed about Heroes that I MUST mention!! Claire can quickly regenerate... she cuts off a toe and it immediately grows back. SO what happens when she goes for a bikini wax?? Don't you think this is something Mohinder should be investigating?


Two weeks ago, we did a column about the Funky Winkerbean death storyline of young Clevelander Lisa Moore. Now that the character has been killed off, I have ended my boycott... but I still read (and post comments on) the incredibly well done Stuck Funky blog. The death of Ms. Moore coincides with the release of cartoonists Tom Batiuk new collection of Lisa related strips. They are part of a new book where ALL proceeds go to a cancer charity. I recommend all the NWOW readers pick up a copy. The book is called "Lisa's Story - The Other Shoe" by Tom Batiuk. I am going to try to catch Batiuk at his live appearance next week in Clifton, NJ at the Barnes and Noble. If I get to meet him I will nicely inform him that death doesn't belong in the comics... there's too much of it in real life.

Many of you might have heard that my old college chum Hoss passed away this week after an illness, although I spoke to him last Thursday and he was feeling great and we made plans for next weekend. It's like the old joke, How do you make God laugh? Tell him your plans for tomorrow. The death of Lisa the ink drawn fictional character pales in comparison to losing a buddy. I met him 20 years ago in college, and he had this habit of calling everybody Hoss; ultimately we turned the tables and started calling him Hoss. He is the only person who has ever posted a comment on my Mortgage Podcast and following along the lines of his humor poked fun at me for the spare time I must have to do that podcast. He used to tell the craziest jokes with Bob Hope wit... What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground Beef... and he had a Dennis Miller-esque way of using analogies - That girl's teeth are so buck she could eat corn through a picket fence. I have found myself laughing out loud quite a bit the last few days thinking back about some of those wacky Hoss shenanigans... I mentioned him in the April Home Sweet Home column when he was hanging out at my old Roselle house and my Mom brought us a big bowl of grapes, he turned to her and announced "Hey Mrs. Kean.... I need to send these back...I prefer to have my grapes peeled for me" They never had another conversation after that that my mother didn't sarcastically say... "Hey Hoss.. want some grapes peeled?"

One very funny Hoss incident - one time we were at a party during college, and a friend of ours got just too ridiculously drunk. He sat outside,.. a bit of a puke-a-phobe, just minutes away from losing it but trying not to go through the unpleasantness of a drunken hurl. Hoss went up to him, put his arm on his shoulder, ostensibly to offer comfort to him, but instead took a different tactic asked him... "Hey... did you ever bite into a chunk of butter"... My buddy turned a deeper shade of green and begged him not to continue.. "Hey did you ever eat mayonaise straight?"....

After that point, I always knew who to call if I ever needed to induce vomiting.. and that other buddy was too terrified to ever have another drink in Hoss's presence!

NEXT WEEK --- The Goldfinger column!!


Well, we have a bit of controversy. As you might recall, last week Pumpie picked the Jets,.... however when I originally asked for his prediction, he told me the voice in his head tells him to take the Giants because they are the "home team" and he had just been at Giants Stadium for the Genesis Concert. However, I pointed out that the Jets play at Giants Stadium too... which confused Pumpy causing him to think he misunderstood his "psychic voice", kind of like a Three's Company episode. Well, it turns out the psychic voice was based on the home team "for the week" which was the Giants, and since I may have inadvertantly influenced his opinion... the editorial board here at NWOW has decided to award him a W for the pick to improve his record to 5-0.

This week, we go to Cleveland for the Browns Dolphins game. The Browns are favored by 4 1/2 points. Sayeth the Pump: "Since Drew 'Carey' is from Cleveland and since I 'carried' the Torah last week on Simchat Torah.... we gotta go with Cleveland!!"

UNBIASED GIANTS FAN PICKS OF THE WEEK - Last week we had our first winning week going 2-1 for a year to date record of 6-8-1.

Giants 3 1/2 point faves over ATLANTA - This one makes me nervous because of home dogs on Monday Nights... but the post dog killer Vick era Falcons have played pretty poorly this season. I wouldn't be surprised if they cover, but I'm taking the Giants anyway!

New England 5 1/2 faves of DALLAS - That lucky win against Buffalo last week showed us something that the 5-0 Cowboys are home doggies to The Mighty Patriots. Perfect week for the Giants to close the deficit to 1 game heading towards that November 11 showdown.

JETS 3 point doggies to Philadelphia - This game means more to the Jets; if they lose they might edit that "Mangenius" line when the release the Sopranos DVD! The Eagles can lose and still compete for the wild card in the mediocre NFC.


Here is a clip I found on You Tube via Buzzer Blog from Drew Carey on The Price is Right.

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