Monday, March 06, 2006

It's Hard Out Here For a Pimp

No.. today’s column is not about the Oscar winning song.. (which by the way kicked off a crazy finish of 8 out of 11 accurate picks in my Oscar pool). However.. The song would be appropriate for the new town in Florida… a wacky but now retracted proposed town being developed by Domino’s owner Thomas Monaghan,

Start singing along folks.. Its gonna be called Ave Maria.. And according to the original proposal….if you’re not Catholic.. they don’t want you there. Even Governor Jeb Bush attended the groundbreaking ceremony for the new town that Monaghan promises will never have abortions, porn, contraception at a drug store, or a Little Ceasars franchise. Now, Monaghan has realized that he has a little controversy on his hands.. And has announced these proposals will only apply to the new Catholic college he wants to build within the confines (pun intended) of Ave Maria. Businesses will also have to sign agreements in their leases that the aforementioned products will not be offered at any time.

Porn… I’m all for a ban.. The porn magazine industry is in such a disarray since so much of it is free on the internet.. Not to mention all the movies people can buy and/or rent… and most seem to like the movies better than the magazines. Will Monaghan force an internet ban like the ultra Orthodox Jewish community in Lakewood, New Jersey? The magazines are out of control and some of the stuff that is on the covers (not to mention the covers of FHM and Maxim) really shouldn’t be out there for the eyes of the little ones. Some of the harder core porn mags have covers that are way too graphic.. So if he wants to ban porn. I won’t complain. But wait till he runs into the Supreme Court-eque question of what constitutes porn? Will the aforementioned non nude mags also be banned? How about the SI swimsuit issue? How about the fitness magazines that show women in bikinis? Where do you draw the line? Hmmmm…

Speaking of porn.. Do you think Fox News Channel owner Rupert Murdoch ever looked at My Spaces before he bought it? That website is out of control… with wacko pedophiles reaching out to girls under the age of 18. As it stands right now... the chat rooms are so out of control with these pedophiles lurking around. NBC News Reporter Chris Hanson has done some remarkable undercover pieces showing sexual predators being lured to a home under the guise of meeting an underage teen. The pervert shows up at a house to meet a kid… and hello.. Its Chris Hanson…

I was researching the recent game show column and I read a column on a My Spaces blog, and I couldn’t believe some of the links posted there. Let’s cut right to the chase. Attention parents of teenagers!! Why don’t you take more control over your child’s internet access and/or access to a digital camera. it’s a lethal combination, Some of these pics that have been posted online are absolutely scary! There are so many sickos out there who are perusing these websites and trying to meet these children, while the parents just go around lollygagging without a clue about what their kids are posting out there. People may want to blame My Spaces, but teenagers are sophisticated enough to build their own websites… and while its ok for adults to post “adult content”… somebody… a concept called PARENTS should do some parenting and make sure that their kids are not turning into a new generation of Traci Lords. Maybe there is some merit to the Lakewood internet ban after all!

Abortions - Lets face it.. have you ever seen a storefront clinic that has the word “abortion” posted out front? Nope.. But when the good little Catholic girls are no longer virginal in Monaghan-land.. And of course condoms won’t be available.. They will just have to hop in the car and go to the next town to have their abortions. This traveling abortion circus will make a mockery of the whole teenage premarital sex ban and probably open up the eyes of some of the more reasonable looney tunes who will realize that maybe the idea of banning birth control is not such a brilliant idea… and abortions will always be available as the girls who go get them.

And just Monday, Governor Mike Rounds has signed a new law into effect that bans almost all abortions in South Dakota except where it endangers the mother. Lets flash back in our time machine to last month's blog... "Klein and King".. for this natesterdamus nugget!

“The Nancy Klein event was when I permanently became Pro-Choice, and realized how scary life would be if the Supreme Court ever overturns Roe v Wade. I don’t necessarily think abortion is right.. but it must remain legal. I also realized this issue doesn’t have much to do with abortion… but about morons who want to butt into personal family decisions. The Right to Lifers, as evidenced by the Klein case are out of control and need to be stopped before things get too far... especially the extreme religious right. Sadly, this hasn’t stopped Bush from being elected TWICE.. And in reality the President’s most powerful job… is picking the Supreme Court justices who will ultimately keep or reject this law.

Who knows how the courts will rule on these type of topics if Bush keeps picking justices? The Right Wingers only care about their extreme beliefs and their attempts to overturn Roe v Wade could lead to a lot of scenarios. Lets say a rape victim wants an abortion.. . Amazingly some right wingers will say the procedure is ok if she was “raped” and that means a “crime” was committed.. Which means without a conviction, there was no crime, and then we will live in a society where victims of rape and incest will be forced to carry a baby. Do you really think a rapist would be convicted before the point where it would be safe to abort a fetus?”

Well now South Dakotans have lost a freedom granted by our constitution.. Rape and incest victims are not protected by this law.. so if a pervert meets a teenager on My Space and rapes her.. she has to keep the baby. And of course the question of how this baby will be supported has not been thought through by these moronic SD lawmakers. And how about this horrific scenario? A crazy sick man decides to molest his stepdaughter... the aforementioned teenager now MUST carry the baby if he impregnates her. He goes to prison...(assuming of course that the teen's mom doesn't buy his crazy alibi..."But… she seduced me") And who helps her support the baby?

But before we blame Governor Rounds, who was too cowardly to speak to the press.... lets blame the voters. Don’t you people realize what happens when we vote Republicans into office? Any woman out there who sadly could be forced to carry a baby because they are the victim of such horrific violence should not be voting Republican. See what happens folks when you give the party power on the local level! Wow.. welcome to South Dakota.. where perverts can father children and poor rape victims get to carry them! Maybe their Chamber of Commerce can make that their tourism advertising slogan

As for the birth control ban…how absurd can you get? Im not such an expert on Catholicism.. But don’t Protestants allow birth control? Ok.. So they wanna ban my fellow Jews.. But Protestants too! This is worse than a golf course! A Protestant won’t be allowed to buy condoms, The Pill… or anything else a sponge worthy man’s paramour would want to pick up on a routine trip to Walgreens. Will the next town have a sign in its drug store window…”Last Jimmy Hat before Ave Maria”… Wow.. What a marketing campaign.

Some have made the argument that there are some very orthodox towns such as New Square. I’m not 100 percent sure.. but I believe its almost exclusively Hasidic.. And they have strict rules that all chusids must observe. You gotta give the chusids credit. They really appreciate the beauty of a woman! When I was a teenager, I simultaneously discovered women and The Honeymooners. I used to get a kick out of Ralph Kramden getting so discombobulated that all he could say was “Homina Homina”…Then every time I would see a beautiful woman.. It because a method of measuring how stunning she was if all I could say was “Homina Homina”… Then as the teen years became the 20s.. we would simply refer to beautiful women as hominas.

And the chusids really must be saying “homina homina“. The men are so prone to get all stimulated from seeing female skin that the Rabbis have issued strict modesty rules where the women are to be covered from head to toe. But, the more observant go even further than that.. And in New Square the sexes walk on alternate sides of the street…and woman are not considered modest if they sit in the front seat of a car.. So they are not allowed to drive. But when push comes to shove.. the whole issue about the men looking at skin is kind of sexy actually… it shows how much they appreciate the beauty of a woman.

Most of this New Square information is made available to us by the town’s spokesman Rabbi Meyer Schiller, an incredibly fascinating person who grew up Reform and later became an ultra Orthodox New Square man. Schiller had to give up all of his old vices,… except for one… The New York Rangers… a team I despise, but I guess you can give Schiller a pass for that one, I know in the 80s he used to watch his beloved team wearing a Rangers jersey over his Chusid outfit,… no truth to the rumor that New Square passerby have heard old tapes of Marv Albert and Sal Red Light Messina being drowned out with yells of “Islanders suck!” That’s not to be confused with the Monday night yells from my house during 24 of “Get out of there Edgar… Edgar bubbele..... run for safety. Get into the sealed room”.. right before my favorite character died from an outbreak of nerve gas. It was so sad seeing Chloe looking at him with such heartbreak from the sealed room as he inhaled the gas and dropped dead…. I always rooted for him… the short chubby guy… to finally hook up with Chloe… He was so sponge worthy…. Maybe it would have been nice if she would could flashed him her boobies so he had something to look at in his final moment… but then again… I guess Ave Maria, FL wouldn’t have aired 24.. Too pornographic.

I can just hear the Ave Maria advertising campaign being sung to the tune of “Gilligan’s Island”…. no abortions, no porn, no birth control, not a single luxury,…. And with all of these Victorian morals.. they might be better off singing Ave Maria's true theme song...”It’s hard out here for a pimp”

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