I Still Love My Fellow Democrats, But...

Well here we go... Year Number 3 of NWOW.

There's a lot going on besides the fact that Greta Van Susteren's fascination 2 weeks ago with the newly missing Laci Peterson rhyming Stacy Peterson has now evolved into a huge national story! I don't know if this would have caught as much attention from Day One unless her name was Simpson. Let's hope she just ran away and is alive and well somewhere. This reminds me of my Radio Days in the early 1990s when a local woman disappeared under mysterious circumstances. I bet my belching news director that the woman had met with some foul play, but amazingly enough she had just run off to take some time away from her family and returned some time later. About a week after her return, my eyeballs popped out of my head while on the air with onetime Blogging Superstar DangerSpouse when the winner of a live call in trivia contest was none other than the woman who had just disappeared! She must have been brushing up on her Moops edition of Trivial Pursuit.

The other big news this week is NY Governor Eliot Spitzer smartly did a 180 and decided against that silly idea to give illegal immigrants Drivers Licenses. And just in time too apparently, as Hillary Clinton's front runner status is causing her opponents to put a big fat bullseye on her back with her original support of Spitzer being the arrows. Obama is still hedging on what should be a non issue, but on the Wolf Blitzer CNN debate Hillary spoke out against it. (Speaking of the CNN debate - Suzanne Malveuax - va va voom!) I don't know what Spitzer was thinking.. the only driving the illegals should be doing is back to the border on a Greyhound bus with a one way ticket. My dad was an immigrant... a legal one... and he did an almost unheard of thing when he moved here.. He learned English! I used to do seminars for job hunters back in 2003 and one thing I discovered was that some people are discriminated in the workplace because they can't speak Spanish. Why is our work force catering to these people who steadfastly refuse to learn the language?? Incidentally I suggested doing exactly the opposite in my 12/18/05 column.. but that was just for one specific type of situation.

NY is also apparently strike headquarters as the Broadway stagehands and TV Writers continue to picket on. I am not too sympathetic to the crew people who want contracts stating that a minimum number of stagehands be hired for each show regardless of whether those stagehands are necessary for that particular production. And TV Writers want more shekels in a long term deal involving new media such as the internet. DVD profit sharing? I am all for that.. but how can you predict money making opportunities on web platforms over a long period of time. I watch some shows online... are they making any money on those 30 second spots when most of us usually just go to another tab to check email, or fantasy teams, etc. I just hope they get back to work soon.. Those rumors that Family Guy will continue without genius Seth McFarlane make my tummy hurt.

This week's column marks a historical first for NWOW. I had to scrap my original column and start from scratch at the last moment! I had already written a whole article about an upcoming report I was preparing at The Mortgage Podcast concerning a new bill being proposed by Congressman Barney Frank. The Mortgage Reform and Anti Predatory Lending Act of 2007 has some good ideas but one particularly troubling aspect of it was just removed on Wednesday. That part of the bill was basically going to mean the end of mortgage brokers as we know it since it would require that loans could only be offered if the closing costs are not financed into the loan. Yep that means you would have to bring cold hard cash to your closing to pay all the fees if you refinance a loan. Luckily, a lot of mortgage brokers are able to get clients lower closing costs since Banks pay us a fee called yield spread. However, for some reason the original version of the bill barred brokers from collecting Yield Spread too! Wisely enough, cooler heads prevailed and future changes to the current laws will allow us to charge lower closing costs by getting paid by the lender and you won't have to bring money to the closing to pay your fees!

However, I don't know if even Superman could solve this problem since the whole mortgage mess really needs to be looked at on a case by case basis. But as much as Frank might seem to think that mortgage brokers created this crisis, there is blame to spread among all parties. A lot of people buy houses that they can't afford when in reality they should have bought something smaller. I'm in the trenches every day and I see these credit reports, and frankly I have seen a number of cases where people bought homes with no money down, and they were late with their payments, yet had enough money to pay Best Buy for a big screen TV, or for a major landscaping project or some other frivolity when the money should have gone to a mortgage payment. And since a lot of these people bought houses with no money down.. no harm no foul.. they just walk away and lose nothing. You would think it would make sense to eliminate programs for people to buy a house with no money down.

I find it odd that mortgage brokers almost ended up out of work if Frank's bill had gone through unchanged. Let's say Gordon Ramsey the Kitchen Nightmares restarateur has a 4 star establishment that is rather pricey. A customer comes in, orders a nice dinner, and when the check comes, says he can't pay his check because he can't afford it. You would think that this customer should have gone to a less expensive restaurant that he could afford. Well lets say this situation becomes very commonplace. Assuming the prices are clearly disclosed on the menu, would Congressman Frank want to propose legislation that would create federal regulations for how the 4 star restaurant makes its money?

For awhile there, I almost thought I would have get out there and find a different job. And by the way prospective employers - Yo hablo espanol!


PUMPSTRADAMUS NFL PICK OF THE WEEK: Pumpy rolls on with his incredible hot streak with his Bird Flu pick from last week, improving to an improbable 9-1 and clinching a winning record. This week we go to Chicago where all the media has been camped out following the Peterson story. The Bears travel to Seattle where they are 6 point doggies to the Seahawks. Sayeth the Reading Challenged Pump: "Take the Bears... As the old song goes.. Bears Bears They're Good for Your Heart... The More You Eat...."

UNBIASED GIANTS FAN PICK OF THE WEEK; Last week we went 2-1 to get to 14-15-1. The run on mediocrity continues - there has never been a winless or undefeated week.

Giants 3 faves over DETROIT - Very gutsy to make the Giants a road fave against a team doing so well at home. Face it - The Giants are 2 behind Dallas with 7 to play and the Cowboys own the tiebreaker. It's a good week for the Giants to send a message to the other 6-3 wild card contender.

Washington 10 1/2 doggies over DALLAS - The Cowboys will drop the wild card contending Redskins down a notch. I think the Skins will cover.

Miami 10 faves over PHILADELPHIA - Just like the London game, the Dolphins will find a way to cover late.. although it would be cool if they got their first win at the Eagle's expense.


CLIP OF THE WEEK - After a week of being critical towards the Democrats, let's not forget how evil Republicans can be. Here is a song about that skank Anne Coulters repulsive anti semitic remarks. It's sung by a woman named Leah Kauffman. This song called "My Box in a Box" is a spoof of the SNL song parody Shmeckle in a Box. By the way, I saw a You Tube clip of Kauffman doing a light hearted chat with Keith Olbermann and she looked more uncomfortable than Drew Peterson when he chatted with Matt Lauer. Smile, lighten up... contact my Media Coaching Pal Jacquie Jordan! Obviously, a slick writer snuck the title past a Jewish News editor who didn't quite catch on what the crass song title meant.

The 2 Year Bloggiversary - Politics, Podcasts, and Pontificating

Well folks.. this weekend we celebrate our 2nd bloggiversary! This blog was born right here on these very internets on November 10, 2005. and wouldn't it be great if every blogger used their bloggiversary to look back and give a state of the blog address? I look back and say... "What the hell have I put on the Internet?" Back in November 2005, I had thought about starting a blog and I also had thought about watching all six Star Wars movies for the first time, so somewhere along the line I thought.. hey let's do both. And thus the blog was born with "The Grand Premiere" that fateful November 10th.


So 2 years later.. where are we? Well, we started a little movie club... this is my crazy old Channel 5 movie club button (!), and so far we have done 14 movie reviews. After Star Wars, it was on to The Godfather Trilogy, a Robert Altman 4-pack and our current 6 James Bonds with 6 different lead actors. A list of all 14 movie reviews with their dates is posted at the end of today's column for your reading enjoyment.

The movie reviews with the bladder scale appear to be the most popular columns -they were a popular radio feature back in the early 90s...while last year's decision to pick ALL the NFL games was the least popular feature. In one of our early columns on November 24, 2005, we did a column "Psychic Matters or Do Psychics Matter?" which introduced us to The Amazing Pumpstradamus. That rather uncharacteristically short column was written tongue in cheek and blasted the whole concept of psychics. It also triggered the first appearance by Pumpstradamus who posted a comment with his opinion about the next column which I hadn't even written yet! Pumpy then became an annual visitor with a Yearly Preview podcast appearance and his weekly NFL picks are both succesful and popular.

In January we launched the Clip of the Week, a little add on feature at the end of each column that was to be replaced again in September by revamped shorter NFL picks.. plus the oh so popular Pumpstradamus NFL pick of the week. However, video on the internet has become so popular that I seem to always find a cool new video on You Tube each week that falls into "must share" status. Recently we did Havana Gilapalooza. We also embarked on a musical career collaborating with musical genius Neil Fein on "The Ballad of Melanie McGuire" - today we are posting it here for the first time as an mp3. The song was a parody of Creeque Alley, maybe giving us a chance to be edgy Al Yankovicites. We will also be releasing a new song soon about Jim McGreevey which will sort of be another parody from The Mamas and Papas..

So 2 years later... what exactly is this blog? Basically, on any given week it has been about TV, (assuming the writer's strike ends) Movies, Baseball, Judaism, and the political landscape in no particular order. I really haven't made it too personal with one or two exceptions... it's more like a column about stuff that interests myself and my readers.. and I am not sure people care about a blog covering my day to day activities... hey today my shower caddy fell off the wall and then I spilled water in my laptop keyboard and Danny at Compusave figured out in 2 seconds why my t and y keys don't work..... I don't think that type of stuff is really going to excite the masses who congregate here.

POLITICS

Politics hasn't really been a big thing here, but as we are now 1 year away from choosing a new President, it will probably become more topical. On January 29, 2006, I disclosed my political beliefs.. a conservative Democrat who is pro-choice... maddeningly frustrating to Republicans who want to tag all Democrats as liberals and annoying to liberals like DAS who have this notion that the party is moving to the left.... which ain't happenin'. It's going to be a tough pick next year since I am not a fan of Hillary, and if by some miracle The GOP selects pro choice Rudy Guliani. (which I don't see happening despite the shocking Pat Robertson endorsement), a Rudy - Hillary ticket will be a tough choice... and according to Pumpstradamus the topic for the 3rd bloggiversary column!

Speaking of liberals, there was one piece of news this past week that made my day... the firing of Ron Kuby from WABC Radio. I addressed my feelings about Kuby back on March 9, 2006 when he bit the hand that fed him by testifying for the defense in the Gotti trial concerning the attempted killing of Curtis Sliwa. As I said then, I don't know much about the case, but I thought it was odd that Kuby testified against Curtis. Kuby whose legal talents are quite minimal wouldn't have made any money in radio if it wasn't for Sliwa's taking him under his wing. Now that the I-man is going to WABC, Kuby was told by station management to stay home, while Sliwa might be moved to a different slot. If WOR were smart, they would bring that show to their station. They already have vastly improved themselves by adding the new syndicated show hosted by the immensely talented Dennis Miller. One interesting quote out of Kuby's mouth..."Imus makes racist comments, yet I lose my job!" It couldn't happen to a bigger jerk.

And maybe somebody could explain to me where our priorities are? That Dog guy gets into a ton of trouble for using the n word in an illegally taped private phone conversation, yet those so called leaders Jackson and Sharpton march for the Jena 6 that beat a white kid unconscious because they think these thugs should not be punished! Dog has spent the week on his "I am so sorry and I still love my son" tour... His son might have gottten 15k for that little tape he leaked to the Enquirer,but he is losing a lot more because you know that the minute this well orchestrated apology tour comes to end, he will march right up to his lawyers office and change his will so that son gets nothing. And if he is really vindictive, he will use his detective skills to watch this kid who is apparently using up his three strikes so that the moment that kid lights up a marijuana cigarette.. cops will swarm in while Dog stands outside hitting his strike counter with as much glee as a home plate umpire working a Nolan Ryan game.

PODCASTS

I have discovered one surprise over the last 2 years of doing this blog --- podcasting just doesn't seem to be as popular as I thought it would be. Blogspot appears to be the most popular blogging website, but they don't have an easy podcasting program. Clickcaster on the other hand is less popular, yet they make it quite simple. I had learned how to html code embedded audio and video clips a few years ago when I wanted to snazzy up some eBay ads. We did a few podcast interviews during the first year of this blog, and in the summer of 2006 I launched The Mortgage Podcast. So far I have gotten some responses, mostly from other podcasters, and former colleagues who googled my name, found the podcasts and made prank calls to me!

As the old song goes, Video killed the Radio Star, and while I thought that telephone modems being replaced by cable and hi speed connections would popularize podcasts, it is actually the videos that have gained the most popularity. This past summer, we started doing video versions of my Mortgage Podcasts that are now getting a decent number of hits on You Tube. This summer also marked the migration of my files away from hosting site Streamload/Media Max which mysteriously never seems to work when I need it. Files stored there continously show up as dead links. The Roselle House Video from The Home Sweet Home column in April seems to also be a dead link. For this week's Clip of The Week, we will once again present The Roselle House Video this time via YouTube! By the way, the movie referred to in that column is Steam which opens next Thursday in LA!

PONTIFICATING

We also do some Jewish columns every once in awhile. I characterize myself as being between Conservative and Orthodox... or Orthoservative. In that Klein - King article, I criticized a letter writer to the local Jewish State newspaper who wrote a nasty letter because they were upset that an Edison Rabbi commented during a Menorah Lighting ceremony to pray for the death of Iranian President Ahmedinijad. The State is an otherwise good newspaper but made a huge misstep with another letter to the editor this week that again disrepectfully criticizes the same Rabbi with an incredible cheap shot directed towards him and his wife. By the way, I took one of the pictures that appears on Page 19 - eagle eyed viewers may realize that those are the same chairs from today's Clip of The Week !

Being less observant makes me more religious.. to me the most important thing is to be respectful to other people. It nauseates me that a different newspaper published by the ultra orthodox recently published an editorial about the hate crime bill (although I think the editorial writer was referring to the anti discrimination bill) that allows a loophole for a clergyman to make nasty speeches against homosexuality as long as it doesn't incite a riot. How disgusting is it that this editorial was probably written by a person whose relatives were in the Holocaust. Yet the editorial says that people should be allowed to speak publicly about a lifestyle that is not religiously acceptable. And if you saw the movie "Trembling Before G-d", you will have seen that the ultras (excluding for the most part the more open minded Lubavitch sect) are NOT preaching to "punish the sin, not the sinner". The documentary showed quite clearly that these ultras have totally ostracized the homosexuals and tossed them out of their community.

The irony of that editorial is that Jews have always been persecuted for being different... because we do not observe a Christian lfestyle as prescribed in the New Testament. How is this different from preaching against gays who they claim violate laws in the Old Testament? Personally, I am against gay marriage but that is for semantic reasons. I do think that gay partners should get as many benefits as married couples do. If these ultras wouldn't shun science education, they would realize that the homosexual tendency is biological and these people can't control it. It isn't easy for them to be gay in our society and I doubt that it is the Godly thing to do to preach against what the newspaper called their "immoral deviant lifestyle"! Religious persecution is religious persecution whether its wearing a star pinned to your shirt or being treated like garbage for being gay!.

Maybe I'm mistaken, but I thought God wants us to be nicer to our fellow man and that is how we should conduct ourselves....



I also went back through all the columns... here are the 14 Movie Club Reviews we posted here. Remember the Star Wars were in chronological order!

November 21, 2005 - One Down Five to Go (Star Wars I)
December 8, 2005 - Obscene Clone Falls (Star Wars II)
January 16, 2006 - Halfway There -Oh Oh Livin' on a Prayer (Star Wars III)
March 3, 2006 - 1977 Part II - The Summer of Sam (Star Wars IV - The Original)
May 2, 2006 - Who's Your Daddy? (Star Wars V)
June 1, 2006 - Star Wars Part 6 of 6 Yippee (Star Wars VI)
July 29, 2006 - From Yoda to Vigoda - An Offer You Can't Refuse (The Godfather)
October 12, 2006 - Name Clearing Part II (Godfather II)
December 5, 2006 - (Corle)One is the Loneliest Number (Godfather III)
January 18, 2007 - How Does a Cixelsyd Spell Radar? (Robert Altman Part I M*A*S*H)
February 28, 2007 - Nashville (Altman Part II)
July 25, 2007 - The Player (Altman Part III after a hiatus when we moved to our house in April)
September 6, 2007 - Short Cuts - How Can a 3 Hour Movie Have the Word Short In Its Title?? (Altman Part IV)
October 19, 2007 - Sean Connery's Goldfinger - (James Bond I)


Top 14 Lists List

November 2, 2007 - TV Quarterly Report - The NWOW Fall Preview
March 25, 2007 The 14 Most Relevant Baseball Teams of 2007
Feb 23, 2007 The Top 14 Movies to Start a DVD Collection
Jan. 25, 2007 The Top 14 Game Show Hosts of All Time
Dec. 14, 21 2006 - 14 TV Shows That Entertained Me in 2006
May 12, 27 2006 Top 14 Talk Show Hosts
March 27, 30 2006 The 14 Most Relevant Baseball Teams of 2006
Feb. 10, 14, 17 2006 Top 14 Game Shows


PUMPSTRADAMUS PICK OF THE WEEK: Pumpy improved to 8-1 last week when the Colts covered the spread. One more win he clinches a winning record. Last year for the Bloggiversary we went to San Fran in honor of Nancy Pelosi's big 2006 Election Day performance. Once again, for this year's bloggiversary we head back there as the 49ers play in Seattle on Monday Night. The Niners are 10 point doggies. Sayeth the Pump: "My Bronco-itis doesn't seem to go away... maybe it's bird flu? Therefore in honor of Bird Flu I take the Seahwawks!"


UNBIASED GIANTS FAN PICKS OF THE WEEK; Last week the Jets barely covered to get us to 1-2 for the week for a season record of 12-14-1.

GIANTS 1 1/2 doggies over Dallas - This is the battle for first place in the NFC East. Anybody else notice in the London game how the ref's audio didnt synch with the video?

Eagles 3 doggies over WASHINGTON - The Skins think they are in a wild card race. The Eagles will teach them a lesson.

ARIZONA 1 fave over Detroit - C'mon The Lions win a road game?? Get outta here.


CLASSIC CLIP OF THE WEEK - The Roselle House Video - the first part was shot in '88, the rest was done 10 years ago.

TV Quarterly Report: The NWOW Fall Preview

Well now that the 2007 baseball season has come to an end it is time for the TV Season to begin! Before we get to the NWOW Fall Preview of 14 shows to watch this season, a couple of things from the past few days...

I take back everything nice I said about Scott Boras last week when I praised his attempts to get baseball to refocus on the World Series. He tossed that goodwill out the window as the Red Sox were getting ready for the knockout punch Sunday night when he announced that his client Alex Rodriguez would not take his option to return to The Yankees. Boras did apologize for upstaging the World Series, but the damage was done. And why do the Yankee fans attack ARod after his spectacular 2007 MVP season? ARod wants as much as he can get.... anyone else would do the same thing. Yet the Yankees are being cheapskates by refusing to negotiate with him as a Free Agent since it means that The Texas Rangers won't be picking up the bill for part of ARod's salary. It's going to be a long next few years in the post ARod era as the Yankees will now be looking up to Red Sox Nation which is now a far superior team.

In 1997 I finished 3rd in my fantasy baseball league and thanks to the terrific '97 seasons of my Dodger trio of Raul Mondesi, Todd Zeile and Eric Karros, I plunked down my winnings for my very large for 1997 27 inch TV! Now 10 years later thanks to the draft day psychic predictions of Pumpstradamus, my 2nd place winnings went to a 42 inch HD TV which looks fantastic! The quality is remarkable, yet I was surprised to see how odd Fox's Jeannie Zelasko looks close-up.. but on the other hand, Carol Ann Ridell on Channel 4? Homina Homina Homina!!

Therefore because of the new TV. we are temporarily coming to you from my laptop on the coffee table instead of the usual spot at the Bunkey room. In case you missed why we call it that, in our old condo, my office was in the monkey room which had a bizarre pattern of wall paper of monkeys doing strange things. Here at our house, the prior owners left the bunk bed behind in the spare bedroom that is my office.. which is why we call it The Bunkey Room!

Anyway, now that I have this new TV, what are the 14 shows worth watching on it this season? I find that I am watching no shows on Thursdays, Fridays or Saturdays! Thursday has some good stuff.. it just seems that I have been out somewhere or watching baseball over the last several Thursdays. But, Sunday through Wednesday is quite action packed!

1. The Family Guy and 2 American Dad - One producer - 2 hysterical cartoons.... but what happens if American Dad lasts longer than Family Guy? Will they start using flashbacks on American Dad too? Every week these 2 shows hit a home run... the crazy AD where the daughter poses nude, and her brother unknowingly buys a painting of her? Amazing,... And I am ready for The Family Guy Star Wars spoof to work its way into the 1130 Cartoon Network reruns so I can actually remember more of the hysterics from that incredible episode.

3. Desperate Housewives - Relegated to next day viewing on abc.com due to the Fox competition. The show just isnt that good anymore... yet oddly I watch it. What's the scoop with the new neighbor kid who can't remember her past? And isn't it odd that her mom, a new member of the block would be so freaking annoying to her neighbors?

4. Curb Your Enthusiasm - The perfect antidote for Seinfeld withdrawal. The show is hysterical and the ad libs give it an odd dialogue pattern that you just dont see in your typical unnaturally written sitcoms. Susie Essman is so funny when she is so nasty to Larry... Last week's episode where she threw Larry under the bus when he got caught using the "n" word while quoting someone else was priceless. And Funkhouser is another great character!! Bob Einstein aka Super Dave Osborne is probably one of the funniest people on Earth! Great cast, hysterical show.

5. Tell Me You Love Me - I catch the west coast HBO feed at midnight and like DH.. i have no idea why I watch this show. Except for the older woman whose husband won't sleep with her, I can't stand these characters. The one woman who was obssessed with getting pregnant (Penny from Lost) took so many pregnancy tests, I'm amazed that one human being could pish so much. I think most of us are hanging on to see if Ally Walker is gonna get neckid! I think couples should watch this show together because once you see how wacked out these characters are, you appreciate your spouse even more!

6. Big Bang Theory - As you might have read here before, Trophy Wife is a distant relative of Sheldon Leonard who was in "It's A Wonderful Life" and produced "The Dick Van Dyke Show". As a salute to him, the main characters in this show are named Sheldon and Leonard! They hang out with 2 other geeks including one guy who has the most bizarre haircut (Simon Helberg who once did a pilot for a show called "The Funkhausers") and mingle with a hot blonde who lives on the same floor as their apartment building. I think the scenario could get a little stale, and it's time for these guys to use their science expertise and get jobs with CSI. Then, the trekkies can have debates with David Caruso about whether he or William Shatner is a worse actor!

7. Heroes - Jump the Shark or Time Travel to the 1600s? Whats the difference? The show has slid considerably but 2 weeks ago it started showing signs of rebounding. It looks like our heroes need something to do... The storyline with the girl in New Orleans looks promising, but this whole Hiro storyline is absurd and now he is madly in love with this woman from the 17th century.... The only way they can salvage this story is if Hiro has sex with her and gives her a venereal disease that wasn't around in the 1600's.

8. Journeyman - I think this may be one the best 2 new shows of the season. The guy has to travel back in time to solve other people's trsuris... its kind of like Quantum Leap with a little more style. The premise is quirky... our main character's time traveling guide is his late wife (!) which ticks off the current wife... who was once engaged to her husband's brother! Its actually a pretty cool show.. maybe he can zip back to 1600 and bring Hiro back and save his high rated lead in on NBC before 24 comes back in January!

9. Law and Order SVU - Consistently intense... it keeps chugging along with great stories and an easy paycheck for Richard Belzer who gets one or two wisecracks per episode.. kind of like the guy in "Airplane" who grabbed the newspaper and proclaimed.. "There's a sale at Mays!" Regular Law and Order has yet to return in the post Fred Thompson era and Criminal Intent has moved to USA, although I never know when it is on.

10. The Singing Bee - I want Trophy Wife to go on this show since she knows the words to every song ever written. Then she can win a million dollars!

11. Deal or No Deal - I just love watching people lose. It's much simpler than the heart stopping Press Your Luck when a whammy could appear at any time... Here its just amusing to see people not understand the law of averages and not have the brains to quit when they're ahead.

12. Kitchen Nightmares - This is another choice for best new show of the season! Chef Gordon Ramsey shows up at a slumping restaurant and whips it back into shape. It's interesting to see some of these people who own restaurants who just sit on their laurels and count their shekels and just dont give a crap about quality. One restaurant owner in particular who was in a popular tourist area let his restaurant rot away knowing full well that he would never get repeat business, but the constant flow of new tourists would keep his pockets full. This show has the excitement that The Apprentice needs. Who cringes more when Gordon puts a bullseye on some hapless restaurant employee and gets him fired at the end of the show? I'm surprised those fired employees sign release forms allowing them to be shown on TV - How does that not ruin their chances of ever getting a new job in the industry? And they showed the kitchen in one of Gordon's restaurants... it was so incredibly spotless you could eat off the floor!! This guy is obsessed with cleanliness to Felix Unger-ian proportions.

13. Phenomenon - I thought this would be a show for Pumpstradamus... but its really an American Idol for magicians who use mind games to do their tricks. It's kind of entertaining and the live element provides plenty of drama. The guy who made his heart stop was pretty creepy, but some of the other tricks are older than the hills.

14. CSI NY - I havent been watching the other CSIs this season, but I like the NY show. Some of the storylines this season have been on other shows.. The avatar storyline was done on Law and Order SVU; and this past week's episode of the injection that caused a person to appear dead while very much alive, but frozen like a rock was the same story mechanism that got rid of the much maligned Nikki and Paolo on Lost last season... Ausellio in TV Guide recently amusingly nicknamed those annoying Heroes twins Nikki and Paolo.

NEXT WEEK - The Big Bloggiversary!


PUMPSTRADAMUS PICK OF THE WEEK; Last week Pumpie tasted his first loss, as the Broncos were inches away from a big Monday Night Win. Nonetheless, the Pack won dropping Pumpies record to a still impressive 7-1. This week we go to New England in honor of the Red Sox World Series win. The Patriots are 5 point road favorites over the Colts... this must be the first time that a 7-0 home team is an underdog. This week Pumpie channels the ghost of Nipsey Russel with this nugget....

"Last week I chose the Broncos
I was crowned the king of dolts.
This week, I shall redeem myself
and back the team of Colts!"


UNBIASED GIANTS FAN PICKS OF THE WEEK: Last week we went 1-2 to drop to 11-12-1. That late Dolphin TD kept us from our first 0-3 week. The Giants have a bye this week.


PHILADELPHIA 3 doggies over Dallas - This sets up an epic battle for next week's Giant game!

Broncos 3 doggies over DETROIT - You think the Bronco and Rockies fans have recovered from last week? Detroit is currently battling the Giants for a wild card slot and they are due for a loss.

JETS 3 1/2 doggies over Washington - What's the difference between The Jets and The Yankees? The Jets will get a 2nd half contribution from Clemens. This game is sandwiched between The New York City Marathon and the 6pm Knick home opener - creating a very long day for Al Trautwig! Speaking of the Knicks, Let's hope Al Sharpton keeps his word and is out there protesting against Isiah Thomas as fervently as he fought to get Imus fired from his radio show. There is no reason that Thomas, a phony failure has not been disciplined for being found guilty in court for sexually harrassing and subsequently firing a female coworker. NBA Commissioner David Stern is right when he criticizes the way the Dolans run that organization. The Knicks are a disgrace, and the horrible things that Thomas has been convicted of doing to this poor woman is far worse and purposefully more damaging than what Imus said about the Rutgers women. Let's hope the door to the Garden slams shut on Isiah as Imus triumphantly returns to the ABC studio directly across the street from MSG!



CLIP OF THE WEEK
Last week we introduced you to Nate Kizerian and his odd rendition of Hava Nagila. Continuing the Hava Nagila theme... here is a version of that classic song that is incredibly bizarre!!

Damn Yankees: It's All About The Image... And The Hair!

Well here we are 2 games into the World Series between Boston and Colorado, and all anyone wants to talk about is... The Yankees?

Even though all of baseball's attention should be focused on the World Series, it seems like the Yankees have been grabbing all the headlines. Back on Labor Day when the Yankees looked assured of a playoff spot after overcoming their 21-29 start, who would have thought that Giants coach Tom Coughlin would have more job security than Joe Torre?? By the way, with the Giants in London on Sunday, wouldnt it be cool to hop on a plane late Saturday Night.. fly in for the game, and then fly home right after? It would be as wacky as Jimmy Kimmel flying back and forth from NY to LA every day this week to host 2 talk shows. Actually. don't pilots and stewardesses do this every day??

When it comes to stuff in Yankeeland, I'm a Met fan who doesn't hate the Yankees - just dislikes them... but i do enjoy watching them get eliminated. In 2000, I couldnt stand them after they beat the Mets in The World Series, but after deriving extreme enjoyment after that loss in '01 against Arizona, I get less enjoyment from their annual eliminations. But now,... it should be all about the Rockies and Red Sox with the Yankees managerial search should be on the back burner. Scott Boras had the right idea about refocusing attention on the World Series with his proposal about holding the 1st 2 World Series games at a neutral site and making a whole big showcase out of it like the Super Bowl. That big baseball weekend would also include the Post Season Awards for MVP, Cy Young and Rookie of the Year. Heck they oughta give Kevin Youkilis an award for replacing Sean Green as "Best Jewish Baseball Player!".

Something Joe Torre said in his press conference last week caught my attention... referring to Ian O'Connor's exclusive Bergen Record interview with George Steinbrenner as being "planted". George's media appearances have been few and far between and it seems quite obvious that he has done what a lot of people his age do - he got old. Heck, even the little teeny boppers think of Dick Clark as an old guy who had a stroke. But now that George has become "Old George", his relatives want to shield him from the media so we all remember him as Blustery George, as he was immortalized in last summer's excellent ESPN miniseries "The Bronx Is Burning". I guess they don't want him to turn out like Bob Hope who occasionally made public appearances in his later years although he was starting to look like a man in his late 90s.

And it is all about the image.. Next year's World Series will end just days before the 2008 Presidential Election.. I hope Rudy recovers by then for his comment that he plans to root for the hated Red Sox against the Rockies. One of my Republican coworkers keeps insisting that it is going to be Rudy Giuliani against Hillary Clinton. First of all, there is no way a pro choice candidate will be on top of the ticket run by those religious right wing wackos. No way Jose. Once Rudy is asked if he would nominate a pro choice Judge to the Supreme Court, the GOP will Christie Whitman him to the back burner! And the Democrats - for me it's all about the hair which is why my one year in advance prediction is that it will be John Edwards running against Mitt Romney... or maybe Fred Thompson.. whoever is more conservative for the nutjobs running the GOP. Romney and Thompson are both morons and I haven't really paid enough attention to see who is the bigger idiot that will leave the GOPers all gaga at their convention next year. But if you go all the way back to JFK, image has been a major player on the Presidential ticket. Look at the big deal they made when Nixon shvitzed during his debate with Kennedy. And JFK had awesome hair. Back in the mid 70's that Israel hater Jimmy Carter had fantastic hair - then there was Ronald Reagan. a Republican with excellent hair.. and Bill Clinton had great hair too. And maybe that is why Edwards is spending so much on haircuts.

I agree with Torre that this whole Steinbrenner newspaper interview was somewhat staged. George's family wanted him to go out on top, and they know his condition allows him a few good days every once in awhile. Why not play the media on a "Good George Day"? Here is a chance for him to kvetch about Torre, and then while everyone is complaining about the silly Torre contract offer... the reality is Torre was really fired, and probably unfairly, but the Yankees gave Joe a chance to look like the good guy at their expense....it was all a decoy. Because while all the callers on WFAN are blasting the Yankees, the team quietly slipped in an announcement about the new team power structure that subtly slips George into the background as somewhat of an owner emeritus.

O'Connor phoned in Mike and the Mad Dog last week and flatly denied that he was set up by the Yankees. But how was it possible that he would just happen to call George's room and get through? Can anyone just call a hotel and get George on the phone? Highly unlikely... but the team did what it had to do... created a red herring, And George got to go out on his terms.. He got blasted for how he treated Torre.. but then again that is the way he was back in the old days when he used to fire every other one of his managers and show everyone that he is "The Boss"..

And now we can all focus on what the sports world should be paying attention to.... the amazing fact that Pumpsterdamus has gotten all of his football picks right!! In reality instead of Torre.. gimme some Torrealba.. and I dont want to hear about Mattingly.... I wanna hear more about Manny!

Enjoy the Series!



PUMPSTRADAMUS NFL PICK OF THE WEEK; The Incredible streak continues ... last week Pumpy picked the Bills upset to improve to an unbelievable 7-0. This week in honor of the Colorado Rockies, we go to Denver for the Broncos Monday Night tilt against Green Bay. Denver is favored by 3. Sayeth the Pump: "I have a bad cold that I predict will turn into Bronchitis.. therefore in honor of my bronchitis.. I take the Broncos! And for the election, I say it will be Hillary against Romney"



UNBIASED GIANTS FAN PICKS OF THE WEEK: For the 3rd straight week we went 2-1 to even things out at 10-10-1.

Miami 9 1/2 point doggies over The Giants in London - I know a guy whose daughter married a guy last year, and since the weddding he hasn't gotten a haircut. What does he have in common with The Giants? Both are having a good year without a Barber! This is a tough call - a game at a neutral site against a winless team with fans yelling at vendors for tea and crimpets..and checking the soccer scores on their cell phones. I think The Giants will win, but Miami will cover.

Washington 16 point doggies to NEW ENGLAND - Another toughie with a huge spread. I think Washington will cover.

VIKINGS 1 point doggies over The Eagles - Listeners of my podcast know I criticized Minnesota's governor this week. However, I will be rooting for their team this week.




CLIP OF THE WEEK..

Earlier this season, I mentioned that I named my fantasy baseball team Havana Gila because I drafted 2 Cubans. Here is another Nate K - Nate Kizerian with his recording of Hava Nagila.. and no... that is NOT me.. By the way, that Nate K is Armenian...(His name ends in "ian") Wonder how he felt about Turkey downplaying its horrible genocide into what The Daily Show called a Half a Caust..

Sean Connery's Goldfinger - A Movie Club Column

Back in the summer, my buddy Steve and I decided that as the local 007 expert he would provide me with the movie list and the videos for the James Bond movie series for The Movie Club. Little did I know that the movies would be on - gasp - videotape and not dvd! Well at least this one was.. maybe the other ones will be on DVD... I'm willing to be surprised. Interestingly enough, the last movie I saw on antiquated videotape was the movie Sean Connery made right after Goldfinger - the Alfred Hitchcock clunker "Marnie"... a movie that takes place in Baltimore about a cute thief who attracts Connery's lustful attention. The "Marnie" shooting schedule affected the Goldfinger shoot since certain scenes couldnt be reshot on location due to Connery's commitment to Hitchcock.... which means he went from being the stud James Bond to a one woman man for Marnie!

Here is the movie's trailer...



Goldfinger was the first Bond movie to be televised... premiering on my 7th birthday as a matter of fact. This past summer it was re-released in London. Goldfinger is the 3rd movie in the series and was a "Steve Pick" because the consensus seems to agree that this is the film where the Bond series hits its stride. I really can't comment one way or another since I didn't see the other Connery Bond movies, and I am kind of bummed that this will be the only Connery Bond movie I will review for the Movie Club since I have always been a big Connery fan.. but then again I also like Roger Moore.

Goldfinger is a Gold smuggling bad guy that Bond first meets at a Miami Beach resort where he is supposed to keep an eye on him. Goldfinger is running some type of little scam where he is ripping off another guy at a high stakes poolside card game. It turns out, Goldie has a hot babe stationed on a balcony who is talking to him through an earpiece while her binoculars are trained at his opponent's cards. That reminds me of my favorite "Cheers" episode where Harry Anderson is in a poker game, and the gang tries to cheat while having Coach send a signal that he is scratching his nose.. prompting Coach to repeatedly point out that he just scratched his nose. Harry was trying to win back the money for Coach from another guy who was conning him, but Harry lost.... Afterwards Coach told them he scratched his nose not as a signal... but because it itched. By the way, "Cheers" should put out a DVD of all the Harry Anderson episodes... that would be a big seller!

As it turns out, Bond can't control himself when he sees Goldfinger's spy.. It marks the first time that we hear the introduction "Bond, James Bond", and young 30something Bond just can't keep his raging hormones under control as he attempts to hook up with the hot little chickie. Later on, he meets her sister who accidentally shoots at him.. it turns out she is trying to shoot Goldfinger, but she just has incredibly lousy aim.

Bond's ultimate mission isn't really made clear till late in the movie. The actual plot involves a crazy scheme by Goldfinger to make the gold at Fort Knox radioactive, so his own gold collection will shoot up in value. Bond finds out about this while he is kept prisoner, and during a temporary escape from his jail cell at Goldfinger's horse farm, he manages to sneak under the floor where Goldfinger makes his presentation to a bunch of mobsters that explains how his plot will unfold. Bond actually pokes his head through a model of Fort Knox... I guess they didn't have Power Point back then! Nonetheless, the presentation did include a map that looked like Google Earth, and Bond's souped up Aston Martin had elements of GPS and Lojack - quite impressive for a movie that was shot in 1964.

Even though Goldfinger's plot really doesn't unfold till late in the movie, it sure is a lot of fun getting to that point. Bond is supposed to be the best Secret Agent, but he is so freaking horny that you can see where Austin Powers got the whole shag obsession! His obsession with hot babes always gets the best of him and he is a bit of a bumbling fool at times... he always knows that he could get called back and replaced by Agent 008. Ultimately, all of Bond's cronies look buffoonish - almost reminds you of a 60s version of "Police Squad"

A beautiful woman named Honor Blackman portrays one of his pursuits - the interestingly named Pussy Galore. Can you imagine how her parents must have felt? They name their daughter "Honor" and then have to tell all their friends she is an actress playing a character named Pussy! Then again we have 2 Republican "leaders" named Bush and Dick. Interestingly enough, in the book, Pussy is a lesbian, but in the movie it is just implied, although that doesn't stop Bond from trying to put the shmaneuver on her. Ms. Galore is a pilot and at one point flies our hero to Baltimore... Was that so Sean could get to that day's shooting on the set of Hitchcock's "Marnie"? Ultimately, Bond finds himself in a position where he can sell Ms. Galore on the idea that Goldfinger is a bad guy, while also trying to get some hoochy mcscoochy too.

The movie is pretty entertaining, and Bond finds himself getting into trouble too often because he can't control his libido. He also comes face to face with Goldfinger's silent henchman Oddjob, which by the way used to be a good store to get cheap stuff. Oddjob walks around wearing a derby that he can throw like a frisbee and turns into a deadly weapon, apparently sharper than an axe. There are also some hysterical lines - A lot of people say the exchange (shown in the trailer) between Bond and Goldfinger during a Batman-esque cliffhanger scene that produced THE line in the movie where Bond asks Goldie "Do You Expect Me to talk?" to which he retorts..."No Mr. Bond, I expect you to die!" My personal favorite is Bond enjoying the moments after another sexual conquest, hears a radio newscaster proclaim "The President said that he was entirely satisfied....." Bond shuts off the radio and announces "That makes two of us". While off canoodling with one of his babes, one of his male colleagues calls his hotel room about a missed dinner they had planned... to which the wisecracking Bond retorted - "Oh something big came up!".. Was Milton Berle supposed to be 007?

I must admit the hoochy mcscoochy scenes are a tad risque for 1964, the action is implied... usually not so subtly by some of Bond's wisecracks. These sex scenes are not to be confused with that new HBO show "Tell Me You Love Me', where last week's no doubt about it porno scene between the wacky woman whose engagement broke off and some new guy she hooked up with. I dont know the characters names, but almost every woman on that show is n-v-t-s nuts.. except for Ally Walker's character. (Thanks to Alan Sepinwall's blog, I just realized that the actress playing the wacky woman trying to conceive is Penny from Lost!) There is no way those 2 actors in that scene did not have some type of sexual contact in last week's episode. They were both naked and close enough to each other, and there had to be some kind of hocus mcpocus going on, unless the guy had some kind of acrobatic Stretch Armstrong Gumby-esque shmeckle that he was able to twist away from her....

The movie is actually loaded with memorable lines, and the action is quite entertaining. The story line moves along at a rather quick pace, and what would be an otherwise boring golf scene is quite entertaining... Who says you need a Bob Barker fight to get an entertaining golf scene?


I was not a big fan of the Goldfinger theme song, however the tune sans lyrics is quite catchy... although it is hard to listen to a movie soundtrack after seeing The Family Guy's Star Wars spoof. Interestingly enough, I am writing a new song, and the Goldfinger song solved a big puzzle of rhyming the word "mister" when they rhymed it with...."kissed her"... The movie has held up well over the last 40+ years, and Sean Connery does a fantastic job, and boy was he young!! On a scale of one to four bladders, meaning how less likely you would be to leave in the middle to go to the bathroom... Goldfinger gets 3 and a half bladders.

Next movie on tap: On Her Majesty's Secret Service

PUMPSTRADAMUS NFL PICK OF THE WEEK - Incredibly, Pumpie whose picks are based on voices in his head has amassed a rather remarkable 6-0 record to start the season! Last week he hit the Browns.. this week we go to Baltimore, home of Pussy Galore's Flying Circus.. where the Ravens are 3 point road favorites over Buffalo. Sayeth the Pump: I need some dollar bills in my pocket, so I will take the Bills!"

UNBIASED GIANTS FAN PICKS OF THE WEEK - Last we went 2-1 for the 2nd straight week to get to 8-9-1. This week we shoot to go over .500....

The Bears 6 point doggies over PHILADELPHIA - Speaking of doggies.. doesn't Ellen Degeneres realize there are legal ramifications to giving dogs to families with young kids? Da Bears continue to recover!

Minnesota 9 1/2 point doggies to DALLAS - Big spread for a team that might be saying goodbye to first place in a few weeks.

GIANTS 9 point faves to San Fran - That is a big spread too... but the Giant defense has looked terrific, and it looks like Eli Manning is starting to live up to his genetic blueprint.


CLIP OF THE WEEK - This is from a Philiadelphia TV station - seems kind of appropriate considering this week's column. This is what happens when a naive innocent young woman gets a high profile TV job...

Fun and Games in Cleveland

Doesn't it seem like all the action seems to be going on in Cleveland??


CLEVELAND VS BOSTON IN THE ALCS

The American League portion of the League Championship Series starts this weekend as the Indians take on the Boston Red Sox. If you read last week's column you will recall that I picked the Indians to win it all. Even back in March I had the Indians going to the World Series against the Mets.. but that ain't happenin'. Met fans who hate the Yankees were also quite pleased to see that the Indians knocked the Bombers out of the playoffs Monday Night. And, if you are a Yankee and Cowboy hater you almost had 10 minutes of sports nirvana on Monday Night when the Cowboys looked to be on the road to defeat. However, their miracle last minute win against Buffalo kept it from being the perfect sports night!

Cleveland showed how good they are when they beat out the much hyped Detroit Tigers for the AL Central Crown. Speaking of Detroit... kudos to the prison guards who are reponsible for "Suicide Watch". By now you heard about that despicable Assistant US Attorney who was busted for trying to arrange a sexual tryst with a five year old girl whose mom he met on the internet, but instead found his little sexcapade was part of a police sting operation. John Atchinson's first suicide attempt didn't work out too well but as they say, if at first you don't succeed.... Prison guards on Suicide Watch weren't able to stop his 2nd attempt and now not only is this child molestor dead.. but our taxpayer money won't have to pay for this child molestor's prison stint.. Good job by the guards! Keep it up fellas! I wonder if the failure of the suicide watch guards actually is an issue when they come up for their annual review?

This brings me to an idea for a reality TV Show. They could do the Chris Hanson Dateline NBC Pedophile Busts with a twist. Do the stings live.. and keep a hangman's rope on the set,.... Then, once Chris does his post "you're busted sleazebag" interview, the Pedophile can walk out to the waiting police... or just hang himself. The twist is you bring out a game show set with bells and whistles like Deal or No Deal and players can place bets... sort of like OTB on whether the pedophile will walk out to the Police or just hang himself right there on live TV. The ratings would be astronomical!!



CLEVELAND'S PRIDE AND JOY STARTS A NEW JOB ON MONDAY

Bob Barker out... Drew Carey in... Time for the cats and dogs to stop worrying at 11:57 every morning now that Bob won't be telling us to spay and neuter them... Drew won't say it too... will he?? I still think Dave Price would have been a better choice... a good game show needs a good straight man to play to the strengths of the game's contestants.. Drew was a great straight man on Whose Line is it Anyway, but he belongs on a Match Game remake where he can play it straight to professional funny people. Shows like TPIR need someone vanilla like Pat Sajak to move the show along by turning the spotlight on the player instead of themselves... Do you remember the pre-Letterman CBS Sajak late night bore fest??

And Drew has those glasses... He may have started the trend picked up by Claire's dad on Heroes who always has those horn rimmed glasses. Speaking of which, there's something I noticed about Heroes that I MUST mention!! Claire can quickly regenerate... she cuts off a toe and it immediately grows back. SO what happens when she goes for a bikini wax?? Don't you think this is something Mohinder should be investigating?



LISA NO MOORE REVISITED

Two weeks ago, we did a column about the Funky Winkerbean death storyline of young Clevelander Lisa Moore. Now that the character has been killed off, I have ended my boycott... but I still read (and post comments on) the incredibly well done Stuck Funky blog. The death of Ms. Moore coincides with the release of cartoonists Tom Batiuk new collection of Lisa related strips. They are part of a new book where ALL proceeds go to a cancer charity. I recommend all the NWOW readers pick up a copy. The book is called "Lisa's Story - The Other Shoe" by Tom Batiuk. I am going to try to catch Batiuk at his live appearance next week in Clifton, NJ at the Barnes and Noble. If I get to meet him I will nicely inform him that death doesn't belong in the comics... there's too much of it in real life.

Many of you might have heard that my old college chum Hoss passed away this week after an illness, although I spoke to him last Thursday and he was feeling great and we made plans for next weekend. It's like the old joke, How do you make God laugh? Tell him your plans for tomorrow. The death of Lisa the ink drawn fictional character pales in comparison to losing a buddy. I met him 20 years ago in college, and he had this habit of calling everybody Hoss; ultimately we turned the tables and started calling him Hoss. He is the only person who has ever posted a comment on my Mortgage Podcast and following along the lines of his humor poked fun at me for the spare time I must have to do that podcast. He used to tell the craziest jokes with Bob Hope wit... What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground Beef... and he had a Dennis Miller-esque way of using analogies - That girl's teeth are so buck she could eat corn through a picket fence. I have found myself laughing out loud quite a bit the last few days thinking back about some of those wacky Hoss shenanigans... I mentioned him in the April Home Sweet Home column when he was hanging out at my old Roselle house and my Mom brought us a big bowl of grapes, he turned to her and announced "Hey Mrs. Kean.... I need to send these back...I prefer to have my grapes peeled for me" They never had another conversation after that that my mother didn't sarcastically say... "Hey Hoss.. want some grapes peeled?"

One very funny Hoss incident - one time we were at a party during college, and a friend of ours got just too ridiculously drunk. He sat outside,.. a bit of a puke-a-phobe, just minutes away from losing it but trying not to go through the unpleasantness of a drunken hurl. Hoss went up to him, put his arm on his shoulder, ostensibly to offer comfort to him, but instead took a different tactic asked him... "Hey... did you ever bite into a chunk of butter"... My buddy turned a deeper shade of green and begged him not to continue.. "Hey did you ever eat mayonaise straight?"....

After that point, I always knew who to call if I ever needed to induce vomiting.. and that other buddy was too terrified to ever have another drink in Hoss's presence!



NEXT WEEK --- The Goldfinger column!!


PUMPSTRADAMUS PICK OF THE WEEK

Well, we have a bit of controversy. As you might recall, last week Pumpie picked the Jets,.... however when I originally asked for his prediction, he told me the voice in his head tells him to take the Giants because they are the "home team" and he had just been at Giants Stadium for the Genesis Concert. However, I pointed out that the Jets play at Giants Stadium too... which confused Pumpy causing him to think he misunderstood his "psychic voice", kind of like a Three's Company episode. Well, it turns out the psychic voice was based on the home team "for the week" which was the Giants, and since I may have inadvertantly influenced his opinion... the editorial board here at NWOW has decided to award him a W for the pick to improve his record to 5-0.

This week, we go to Cleveland for the Browns Dolphins game. The Browns are favored by 4 1/2 points. Sayeth the Pump: "Since Drew 'Carey' is from Cleveland and since I 'carried' the Torah last week on Simchat Torah.... we gotta go with Cleveland!!"

UNBIASED GIANTS FAN PICKS OF THE WEEK - Last week we had our first winning week going 2-1 for a year to date record of 6-8-1.

Giants 3 1/2 point faves over ATLANTA - This one makes me nervous because of home dogs on Monday Nights... but the post dog killer Vick era Falcons have played pretty poorly this season. I wouldn't be surprised if they cover, but I'm taking the Giants anyway!

New England 5 1/2 faves of DALLAS - That lucky win against Buffalo last week showed us something that the 5-0 Cowboys are home doggies to The Mighty Patriots. Perfect week for the Giants to close the deficit to 1 game heading towards that November 11 showdown.

JETS 3 point doggies to Philadelphia - This game means more to the Jets; if they lose they might edit that "Mangenius" line when the release the Sopranos DVD! The Eagles can lose and still compete for the wild card in the mediocre NFC.

CLIP OF THE WEEK...

Here is a clip I found on You Tube via Buzzer Blog from Drew Carey on The Price is Right.

Baseball 4Q: How Not to Gwynn the Wild Card

Well folks, the 2008 Mets are undefeated at 0-0.


Actually, instead of ranting and raving about this Met disaster.... my perspective is to learn from prior mistakes. Here is my take: The 2006 Mets went all the way to Game 7 of the National League Championship Series after GM Omar Minaya had spent the prior off season trying to strengthen the bullpen. Therefore, there was really no reason to shake the pen up for the '07 season... yet that is what the team did. They made it a focal point to re-sign Guilermo Mota despite his early season steroid suspension. Yet they decided to part with Heath Bell, Chad Bradford and Darren Oliver. This season, Bell went 6-4 with a 2.08 ERA for the Padres, Bradford was 4-3 with a 3.54 ERA for Baltimore, and Oliver was 3-1 with a 3.66 ERA for the Angels. Yet, the Mets thought it was a good idea to make a trade for a KC Royal named Ambrox Burgos. Burgos is out till mid 2008 after he had midseason surgery and despite a 1.10 WHIP in 23 innings he couldn't maintain a steady job with the big league bullpen. Yet the Mets thought that Burgos would make the team better so they traded away young Brian Bannister for him, and Bannister went 12-9 with an ERA under 4 despite the fact that he gave up 11 earned runs in his last 5 2/3 innings. Don't you think the Mets would have been better off keeping that '06 bullpen somewhat intact - and not acquiring Burgos? Heck, having Bannister around would have come in handy when Orlando Hernandez got injured in August,... And let's not minimize the loss of El Duque...aside from a few klunkers, he pitched very well this season. Of course blowing that 7 game lead, losing those last 7 games to the Phillies, and giving up those 7 runs in the first inning, didn't help this '07 team.


Who woulda thunk that that Funky Winkerbean's Lisa Moore character (whose inappropriately intense suffering in the comics was blasted in this blog last week) would last longer than the '07 Mets? Readers of last weeks column are probably aware that the character is on her way out the door. Thanks to a link I found on the Stuck Funky blog, I found out her time will be coming on Thursday. This poses an intereseting question for my Jewish friends. Thursday is the Jewish Holiday of Shemini Atzeret where we go to the synagogue and say a Prayer for the Sick and later in the services, the Yizkor - Prayer for the Dead. What prayer do you say for Lisa? What happens if you go to services before you read the paper? I always try to read Pearls Before Swine before I leave in the morning, and it's right under Funky... what happens if I accidentally see it? And in the Wednesday strip her subconscious was starting to be led away by a man in a suit wearing a facemask...who is the angel who leads comic strip characters to Heaven? Charles Schulz?? And I hope her husband can afford their daughter's health insurance. Our wonderful President Bush just vetoed a Congressional bill that would provide more money for children's health care. I guess that horrible man needs to spend more money on an Iraq war that is helping his preserve his oh so precious oil money!


What a crazy end to the 2007 Regular Season... The Padres were a strike away from icing a playoff spot in the same season that local legend Tony Gwynn was inducted to The Hall of Fame.. yet it was his son Tony Jr. who came up for the Brewers and got the hit that forced the Pods into a crazy marathon extra inning one game playoff against the ridiculously hot Colorado Rockies.

Last year at the conclusion of the '06 Regular Season, we did a column questioning why baseball doesn't delay the start of the playoffs in case a team has to play a tie breaker. Had the Mets not choked, there could have been a 4 way wild card and division tie that would have forced the Rockies to play another game in another city after the Monday Night marathon. Baseball listened because the playoff schedule has been tinkered with... Game 7 of the Wold Series is scheduled for November 1. I don't have much else to quibble with with MLB other than the Mets, plus I am a bit baseball-ed out after 6 grueling months of managing my fantasy team. I finished 2nd - (and I was kind of hoping Brad Hawpe would have come up in that 13th inning so he could hit his 30th homer and give me six 30 home run hitters) and now that baseball fantasy season is over, it's time to spend quality time with Trophy Wife! Wait till she finds out I signed up for an NHL Fantasy League!


Looking back at our preseason picks, I actually picked the Phillies to win the East and the D-Backs in the West. As for the Mets, I didnt think they had enough in the tank... (see the March 25 column) Check out this Pumpstradamus-esque sentence about the Mets from that column,....

"The team will get a big pickup as Glavine gets closer to the magical 300 win mark - but they will not cruise to the NL East as they did in 2006."

Boy is that an understatement!

I picked the D-backs for the wrong reason... I thought Randy Johnson would have an impact - he really didn't and I still haven't quite figured out how they won that division.. Eric Byrnes hit 21 homers and drove in 50 bases.., while rookie Chris Young narrowly missed a 30-30 season hitting 32 homers and stealing 27 bases. My other 2 playoff picks from the NL were the Mets as the Wild Card and the Astros in the mediocre Central. I did pick the Cubs as my surprise team of 2007 and I was quite surprised how lousy the Astros turned out in '07.

In The American League I picked 3 of the 4 playoff teams in March.. the only team I missed was the Sox.. I picked the Chi Sox instead..another team whose horrible play was very startling.. What the heck happened to Jose Contreras? I still can't figure out why a team with this much talent did so poorly,. Is it the manager?? I was so high on them and the Indians that I thought the Wild Card just had to come out of this division.. And the Indians didn't disappoint.. even though Cliff Lee had a horrendous year, young Fausto Carmona came out and turned in a fantastic season. CC Sabathia and Carmona will be getting a lot of attention when they give The Yankees fits during the first round. More on that later in this column...


In the August 24th column, I announced my post season award predictions.. its impossible to predict that in the beginning of the year...... and I gotta tell you, I am writing this in the 13th inning of the Monday Night game and if Matt Holliday doesnt get the MVP, I'll be a monkey's uncle. David Wright came awfully close though. The AL MVP pick remains the same... Not only does ARod win in a landslide...but he also had enough time to impregnate his wife!! Will anybody else even get a vote? For Cy Young, I took Jake Peavy in the NL... that seems to be the most logical pick, but my AL pick was Seattle stopper JJ Putz. The Mariners faded, so it looks like it might be Sabathia instead. For Rookie of the Year - Ryan Braun in the NL, and it looks like my August pick of Dice-K will be replaced by his teammate Dustin Pedroia.

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In the original April column, I picked the Mets over the Phils in the NLCS>.... that is not gonna happen obviously... But I did pick the Indians over the Angels in the ALCS.. My Mets over Indians pick won't happen but will Cleveland make it in my Post Season Mulligan Picks column??


Here are my picks for the post season.

The Rockies are sending the Phillies home... that weak pitching staff has no chance against the Rocky hitters. Colorado's hitters are almost as good as The Yankees.

The Cubs over the D-Backs.. I'm not too impressed with the D-Backs after Brandon Webb

I see The Rockies knocking off the Cubbies to go to the World Series. Wouldnt it be funny if the Rockies fly in Steve Bartman for the game and give him free tickets and a free glove with a seat in the front row?

Over in the AL.. I wasn't so sure about the Angels beating the Red Sox, but after his great outing Saturday, it looks like Kelvim Escobar is ok and not injured and he and John Lackey and Jered Weaver form an incredible Top 3. So I take the Angels to knock off the Bosox.

I am also picking Cleveland over the Yankees.. although the Indians might have to balance Sabathia and Carmona the way the '01 Diamondbacks pitched Randy Johnson and Curt Schilling. I have been throwing the '01 World Series at all the Yankee fans who have been picking on me this week about The Mets! And for those Yankee fans salivating over stopper Joe Borowski (who drove me bonkers on my rotis team especially with those 2 blown saves against Seattle last week!!)... I think he will be on a short leash with Bettencourt one blown Borowski save away from taking over.

I'm sticking with The Indians to win the Pennant for an incredibly exciting Indian-Rocky World Series.. with a lot of nail biting Borowski 9th innings!! Although Matt Holliday batting against him sort of reminds me of of Joe Carter batting against Mitch Williams in the early 90s. This look likes it's going to be one fun post season!! My prediction is...

Cleveland is going to lose Lisa Moore... but they are gaining a World Series Crown!!!


PUMPSTRADAMUS PICK OF THE WEEK: Amazingly and incredibly Pumpstradamus is 4-0 this season... This week we go to NY, home of my beloved Mets for the battle between The Giants and The Jets. Pumpy originally wanted to pick The Giants because they play at Giants Stadium where he had seen a Phil Collins concert the week before... but when informed that the Jets played there too, he requested a mulligan. The Giants are 3 point favorites... Sayeth the Pump: "Since I picked the Jets over the Sharks in West Side Story, I pick the Jets over the Giants"


UNBIASED GIANTS FAN PICK OF THE WEEK - Last week we were 1-2.. Year to date: 4-7-1

GIANTS 3 point faves over The Jets - The Giants, of course!

Detroit 3 1/2 doggies to WASHINGTON - Take the Lions... aside from the Eagles game, they have looked quite good this season... 34 points in the 4th quarter last week? Wow!!

BILLS 10 doggies to Dallas - That home dogs on Monday Night didn't work out too well last week, did it? The Cowboys better lose soon before we start thinking about Wild Card Races!


CLIP OF THE WEEK: Here is something uplifting for my fellow Met fans!

Lisa No Moore

Greetings from the NWOW sukkah where we will be pecking away from the laptop through next wk!! A Wednesday afternoon at the end of September and it is 85 degrees! What more could you ask for??


Years ago, when I was a teenager, there used to be this goofy comic strip called "John Darling". The comic strip was about a character who was a talk show host for a local TV station. Originally like the crabby bus driver "Crankshaft", he was a character in "Funky Winkerbean" a onetime very funny strip about two high school characters named Les Moore and Funky Winkerbean. The strip featured an ancient talking computer, a talking Space Invaders game that was at the local pizzeria back in the day when those establishments had video games, and amusing John Darling TV segments. The feature became so popular that cartoonist Tom Batiuk decided to turn him into his own strip Then one day in August of 1991 as another week was wrapping up, Darling was shot dead by an unknown gunman.... and the following day another strip had replaced it in the paper. In Batiuk's creepy mind, he decided to end the strip by just shooting the character!

Batiuk is also the same guy whose onetime funny Funky strip featured a Redd Foxx joke on the very same day that Foxx died. That was just bad timing... and I was thinking about that Sunday Night while watching the brilliant Star Wars spoof on "The Family Guy" where Foxx was one of the good guys on the Red team trying to defeat the Death Star. Good thing I saw the movies in '05 and '06.... otherwise I would not have gotten half the jokes. The Funky strip originally featured high school teens, abruptly changed format in 1992 when the characters started to age in normal time just like the people in For Better or For Worse. FBOFW and its natural aging found itself with a problem when the family dog Farley got incredibly old... so ultimately ol' Farley was sent off with John Darling to Comics Heaven. Most strip characters are frozen at the same age like The Family Circus and the legendary Peanuts... and the old funny Funky. In Funky II, Les became a teacher... and Funky kept getting drunky,... but then he joined AA and bought the pizzeria that used to house the talking Space Invaders game. Les became friendly with and ultimately married a girl named Lisa who was impregnated in the original Funky as a teenager, and decided to give the kid up for adoption... Her son was adopted by the local high school principal and as a teenager is now dating the daughter of.... believe it or not.. slain TV Man John Darling!

This is pretty heady stuff for a newspaper comic strip.. but Batiuk's mind gets stranger!! Back in the days when a woman named Susan Smith killed her kids and blamed it on an imaginary black man... Funky had a teenaged character, also coincidentally named Susan Smith, who attempted suicide only to be saved by Les Moore! Speaking of the real Susan Smith, her name came up in the news recently with all this talk about the Jena 6! Let's get this straight.. this juvenile delinquent thug beat the living crap out of a kid at school to the point where he was knocked unconscious! Yet these civil rights protestors led by self proclaimed righteous men Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson claim that this thug is being treated unfairly and they are painting Jena as some racist town because the kid whose butt got kicked made a rather dopey gesture to the black kids. Gimme a freakin' break.. an unjust trial? According to the newspaper, the all white jury was all white because none of the blacks summoned for jury duty bothered to show up. And is attempted murder too strong a charge when the victim is beaten so badly that he is knocked unconscious to the point he had a concussion? And all these people march to support a juvenile delinquent with a lengthy criminal record?

Getting back to Funky... I brought my big gripe up back on July 4th when I said newspapers should drop the strip (in a column about free speech by the way) because the character of Lisa is suffering a losing battle against cancer. Lisa's fate has already been determined because over the next few weeks, Batiuk is publishing another book of his strip collections,... this time all about Lisa who with hubby Les now has a kid who is about 5 or 6. It's nice Batiuk is writing a book, but killing off a character in such a tortuous way and showing this horribly sad story in a comic strip is an absolute disgrace. I have boycotted the strip since July and if I had kids who read the comics, I couldnt get my scissors out fast enought to cut the strip out before their little eyes saw this waste of newspaper ink. The only reason I know what is going on is through the very well done Stuck Funky Blog which has been taking each days strip and analyzing each panel to find the humor! The anonymous writer pokes fun at Batiuk for the sheer absurdity that he has chosen to put this in the newspaper funny pages. (The blog also links to a cancer fundrasing site) The blog is actually very entertaining, and the recent speculations about which of Lisa's friends is going to end up in bed with the future widower Les Moore are just one example of its dark humor... but remember,... comic strips are supposed to be funny! The comments are also quite amusing. Check it out starting from the beginning through the archives and you will find a parallel universe of Funky comic strips which totally defeats the purpose of the dreary deathwatch that has been created by Mister Morbid Tom Batiuk!

I got to thinking about this last week when I heard the sad news about Brett Somers and her death from cancer. Today as part of our Clip of the Week we will have some of Brett's finest work. Brett had apparently been sick for years, I had heard rumors about her cancer some years back.. yet she was doing a cabaret show a few years back and looked pretty good for her age. Jack Klugman who she split with in the 70s but never divorced also beat cancer and the list goes on. Even Laura Ingraham who I dont like.... beat it, and I am happy to hear that she is doing ok!! (Althought it was odd that she was on CNN's Reliable Sources Sunday Morning talking about how Katie Couric had been dating her ex fiancee) It is a tough disease and a lot of brave people are kicking cancer's ass. And there are a lot of people besides myself who are ticked off at what Batiuk has been tossing into the funny pages. There was a furious grandmother who wrote to her local paper totally furious at Batiuk because her daughter is fighting cancer... and her daughter's young daughter started to read the strip and thought that her mommy was going to be another Lisa Moore!

At some point soon the Funky strip will fast forward ten years, and oddly enough For Better or For Worse is also changing formats and all the characters are now frozen at the same age and won't get any older!! The cartoonist Lynn Johnston announced she was scaling back to spend more time with her husband so some strips would be repeats and the rest would be new... but a few months ago she and her husband split up.

I hope the Lisa book does well, and I understand that the proceeds go to cancer research so go ahead and buy the book.. .. and although the strips showing Lisa's friends being extremely supportive have been quite sweet.... the horrible suffering of a young 30 something year old woman has absolutely no business in the funny pages. We will have more about the newspaper comics in an upcoming column - The Top 14 Newspaper Comic Strips.

I remember when I was a kid they had a cartoon show called Casper The Friendly Ghost... but until The Family Guy episiode where Stewie's wayward football toss to his friend Casper ended up in the path of a speeding car, I never really thought of how Casper went from being a kid to a ghost. And that is the way it is supposed to be!! The Lisa Moore character will probably pass on in the next week or so... rumor has it Farley the dog is going to start barking and lead her to John Darling....but even though she is not a real person, it might be a good idea for parents of young ones to screen the comics in the coming days just in case this is something you dont want your kids little eyes to see.


PUMPSTRADAMUS NFL PICK OF THE WEEK - The Amazing Pump is incredibly 3-0. This week we go to Cleveland, the home of "Funky Winkerbean"... The Browns are 4 1/2 point doggies to the Baltimore Ravens. The Pump looks to extend his streak with the following brilliance - "As Edgar Allen Poe's raven used to say, "Nevermore!" so I'd never go with the Ravens - Take the Browns!"


THE UNBIASED GIANTS FAN PICKS OF THE WEEK - Last week we went 1-2 (The Giants were the only correct pick) for a season record of 3-5-1.. Here are the picks -

Giants 2 1/2 doggies over the Eagles - The Giant D is back.. this is the wk Big Blue gets right back in it!

Rams 12 1/2 doggies over Dallas - Time for the Cowboys to taste defeat!

Bengals 7 points doggies to New England - Go with Cincy! Home Dogs on Monday Night!




CLIPS OF THE WEEK - This week we salute the late great Brett Somers!! First we begin with a clip from The Odd Couple where her character Blanche has to pretend that she is still married to Oscar when Oscar's mom comes for a visit...



Next, here is a clip from Match game where Brett and Charles do a song for fellow late panelist DebraLee Scott



Here is another Match Game clip featuring Brett: (I think this is from the glitchy dvd, but the glitchiness only lasts a second of two)



And finally.... here is Brett being Brett!

A Week For Juice to Repent

Hello folks... Next week we will be coming to you from our new sukkah!! Trophy Wife and I put one up in honor of the holiday so weather permitting, I will be pecking away at my laptop there next week... The Mrs. will also be happy that next week marks the end of Rotiserrie Baseball Season. This year my team has been in contention all season requiring plenty of TLC... usually I am pretty much out of it by Memorial Day.. but we go into the Yom Kippur games tonight just one measly point out of first place! And Met fans must be stunned that the actual notion of Shawn Green playing on Yom Kippur has achieved some type of relevance... Weeks ago it looked like Green was at the very end of his career, and the Mets would already be NL East Champions. I hear that Green is going to sit out Friday night but he will play the Saturday afternoon game... obviously during the break from the services he will be attending in nearby Miami.

This also marks the week between Rosh Hashanna and Yom Kippur... when we repent for our sins so we can make it back for another year in The Book of Life. There have been 2 big news stories this week... first was the death of Brett Somers and secondly the absurd return of OJ Simpson to the Mass Media. There are 3 of my fellow Jews whose faces have popped up repeatedly during all of this media coverage... Harvey Levin from TMZ.com, Stacey Honowitz the FL lawyer who has been hitting all the talk shows this week...(and maybe even attending Kol Nidre with Shawn Green) and The Goldman Family.

THE GOLDMAN FAMILY

Most of us thought we had heard the end of OJ after we saw the inexplicable media coverage of roomfuls of people cheering his acquittal. Yeah he lost a civil suit against Ron Goldman's family, but it was made pretty clear that he wasn't going to pay back any of it. Then last year, OJ was back - when it was revealed that he wrote a hypothetical confessional that got star book publisher Judith Regan tossed out on her tuchis. Now here we are in 2007 and The Goldmans... (or are they Goldmen?) fly out to Oprah's Tom Cruise dancing couch on Rosh Hashana to discuss the book that they now own the rights to.... all they changed was the title display so that the word "If" in "If I Did It" was extemely teeny. Heck, the "confessional" was supposed to be published later ths year... but once the publishers got word that the Goldmen had their ticket to Oprah, the book was published early to coincide with the Oprah appearance.

HARVEY LEVIN

Before bleary eyed revelers had the chance to welcome in 5768,.... here comes OJ, obviously inspired with the child molestor stings on Dateline NBC with a brilliant idea of his own... It was almost as if he was starting his own franchise,... instead of Oceans 11.... it was OJ's 11... which is the average IQ of all the parties involved in this heist. It was almost as bizarre as Oceans 12 where Julia Roberts character posed as Julia Roberts... maybe Juice should have taken a page out of the "Police Squad" gamebook by showing up as Detective Nordberg, his character from The Naked Gun Movies.

Of course one of his classy compatriots slips a little tape recorder in the room and the next thing you know Harvey Levin gets his mitts on it. Levin was a virtual nobody when he covered the OJ trial on Channel 2 in the mid 1990s during the Jim Jensen days.. He parlayed that into a gig with "The People's Court" as a sideline reporter where he talks to fans on the street about whatever trial is on... and now folks - he has become a star with the launch of his website and related TV show ---- TMZ.com. Monday, I celebrated my 30 somethingth birthday and I must admit that I am the only one in my age group who knows that TMZ stands for thirty mile zone... the coverage area around Beverly Hills where his website provides its breathless reporting of all the crazy shenanigans that go on there!

STACEY HONOWITZ

This past week.. my evenings have been watching the Mets, and then flipping over to see the Phillies games, as the Mets try to hold on.. Then from 12am -2am. its the replays of Larry King and Greta von Susterin.. the only time you will ever catch me watching Fox News. Here's the one who boggles my mind... Stacey Honowitz.. the Florida lawyer.. The more I look at her.. the better looking she is... although maybe my brain function starts to drop during that 12 midnight Larry King replay. But then Stacy opens that mouth of hers and starts yapping..... and you just want to throw your TV out the window... Honowitz reminds me of the "fun" girl you used to meet in sleep away camp because she knew how and where to sneak into the woods.. but when visiting day arrived, she expected you to meet her family so they could meet her "new camp boyfriend" and you just prayed she would just shut her mouth so you could go back to your bunk and read all the new comic books that your own mom brought for you on Visiting Day!! Incidentally, on one of those Hollywood Squares-esque panel shows one of the other lawyers asked her why there was some edginess when she appeared on a panel with OJ Lawyer Yale Galanter and she politely took the 5th and you wonder if Yale had hooked up with her at one point.


Ultimately, this is going to be much ado about nothing. Even though OJ shouldn't be stealing stuff.. apparently the stuff was stolen from him. And if these legal eagles are right that the smoking gun tape will be inadmissible, OJ will hopefully disappear into the woodwork never to be heard from again. And will all due respect to The Goldmen, although it's important to "never forget", it seems to me that their constant talk show appearances are torturing them.... and now with the Brown family ticked off at them for publishing the book, maybe it's time that they stop doing all the media tours so this story goes away once and for all...



PUMPSTRADAMUS PICK OF THE WEEK - This week in honor of OJ we go to Buffalo where the Bills are huge 16 1/2 point doggies to the Bills. Pumpy is off to an amazing 2-0 start! Sayeth the Pump: Hmmmm, this is a tough one.... you'd think I'd be tempted to go with Buffallo, bcause of my favorite "Bills" -- Clinton, Gates, O'Reilly, Shatner, Bixby, etc. But I'm a fan of New England in general, and "Patriot Games" is one of my all-time favorite movies, so because of that, and because Brett Somers grew up in New England... I'll go with The Patriots.

UNBIASED GIANTS FAN PICKS OF THE WEEK - Last week we went 1-2 for a season record of 2-3-1.

GIANTS 3 1/2 doggies to Washington - hey, dont give up yet.. take the Giants to get their first win of the year

Detroit 6 1/2 doggies to The Eagles - Take the 2-0 Lions to sink the Philly fans into a week of despair as the Eagles lose, and the Phillies get eliminated.

NEW ORLEANS 4 1/2 faves over Tennesee - Heck the only game I got right last week was on Monday Night.. so lets take the Saints to get in the win column, since so far this season they have looked as bad as The Giants.

NEXT WEEK: We will have a salute to Brett Somers!

Thoughts for 5768: Ham Sales??!!

Last year right before Rosh Hashana, I did a column about a High Holiday sermon that no Rabbi would ever deliver... about lust and nudity and all those other things Southwest Airlines doesn't tolerate from its passengers. Heck my fellow Hebrews and Shebrews are a very loving bunch. Back in 1992, when I was at the movie theater watching the Sidney Lumet classic, "A Stranger Among Us" there was the famous scene when the undercover cop asks the Rabbinical student about what he was reading, as he was studying from the Kaballah. The student finally fessed up that he was reading about how to "take care of a woman!". From that moment on, I didn't have to be a psychic to know that Kaballah was going to become quite popular!! Speaking of movies, our next Movie Club series is the 007 in 07 6-pack with 6 different Bonds. The movies were picked by my pal Steve. First up: Goldfinger with Sean Connery.


Today we present more thoughts for the new year.. this time the topic involves selling ham. Huh?


If you read last week's column about Short Cuts, there seems to be some debate if the person I described as a slick vacuum cleaner salesman was actually a salesman or worked for a carpet cleaning company. He knocked on the door and told Peter Gallagher that he needed to see the lady of the house because she was the winner of a free carpet cleaning. He quickly entered the house and announced he was ready to present a clean carpet!! While some online commentators refer to the character as a carpet cleaner fulfilling the rules for a contest winner, my impression was that this was a very slick salesman who was using the free carpet cleaning as a ruse to get in the house and show off the amazing powers of his vacuum cleaner.

I know someone whose goal in life was to be the best salesman alive... He had heard legendary tales about a salesman who was so good that he could sell ham to an Orthodox Rabbi. My friend was not one to back down from a challenge or a double dog dare.... (now that we are past Labor Day, it's time for A Christmas Story analogies - did you notice I slipped in a reference to Gene Shepherd last week?) He decided that he would hook up with a food distribution company and attempt to sell hams to Orthodox Rabbis.

And it was quite an adventure. Door to door he went, and the reactions were quite interesting. One quoted from the "Curb Your Enthusiasm" ski lift episode with a "Are you f---'ing nuts?".. Another gave him a wink and handed him the business card of the nearby Reform Rabbi. But on he went.. and ultimately, he sold nothing.

He did learn a valuable lesson however... from his last customer... This orthodox rabbi.. we'll call him "Rabbi McLovin" sat him down and asked him why he was chosen to be a potential ham buyer. My friend was quite exasperated, and calling an audbile decided to go for the pity sale.. It was a ruse he used to try to hook up with ladies, so he figured that maybe, just maybe it would work for sales too. He proceeded to tell Rabbi McLovin about his misadventures after he felt compelled to answer the challenge of the great salesman who could sell ham to a rabbi. The Rabbi very patiently sat my friend down and told him... he did not need a Masters degree in marketing to realize that when you try to sell a product.. it is very important to KNOW your audience! The Rabbi politely explained that if he had taken the time to do proper research he would have realized that he was selling to an audience that has no need for a ham, and at that same time he very likely would have made a ton of commissions targeting the ham eating audience instead!".

The salesman couldn't get out of there quick enough to start trying to sell his new audience... but before he could depart, Rabbi McLovin gave him one more nugget of wisdom,.... "This is not a reflection on you; you are probably a very good salesman...but keep in mind that before you can sell someone on buying a ham, you need to sell someone on the concept of having ham be a part of their life. And before that little lightbulb goes off that you should try to sell me on the concept of a life filled with ham... that time could be better spent on selling ham to someone who already has a life of ham. Y'see before you came here, and to all the other Rabbis, we were already sold on the concept of a life without ham. The salesman who sold us that concept was a good salesman.. the ham-less lifestyle is part of our day to day lifestyle and we aren't changing.. because no matter how good a salesman you are... the prior salesman was that much better!"


After that, the ham salesman went on to have a very lucrative career....


Somewhere there is a moral to that story... but I am not one of these people who prosletyzes, so this is not a column about Jews keeping kosher. If you want to eat ham... hey it's your business, it gives the pork farmers some extra shekels in their pockets. However, today I want to talk about another concept that you may want to think about for 5758 - tossing some money to a charity.

Giving charity has been around forever. Just last week, I was watching the amazing Jerry Lewis rack up millions of dollars at his telethon and it amazes me how much stamina 84 year old Ed McMahon has to stand up there announcing for 21 hours without even loosening his tie. The telethon has been around for more than 40 years...but charity has been around much longer. As a matter of fact during the High Holy Days, we Jews say a prayer about how God uses the time between Rosh Hashana and Yom Kippur to decide who will be inscribed in the Book of Life during the upcoming year. And one way to enhance your chances of being around for 5769? According to the Prayer Book - giving charity!

Why not get one of those little charity boxes and start dropping in loose change or spare singles in there at the end of the day and at the end of the week? It makes you feel better about yourself that the little box holds something that used to be yours, but will one day make someone else's life that much better. And if you feel good that you were able to save 500 bucks... what makes you feel better about yourself?? Saving 500 bucks... Or saving 450 bucks and helping out another person (or animal if you are Bob Barkeristically inclined) by donating 50 bucks to charity? Heck, the US tax codes are written that people who itemize actually pay less taxes by sending some money to charity.. It doesn't get any easier than that!!. So why not toss in a few bucks on a regular basis to a worthwhile cause? I promise you that not only will it help others.... but it will make you a happier person!

One day you might hear a knock on the door... and you might find a very slick salesman. He might not be offering carpet cleaning or selling hams, but it might be even worse... He might be selling you on the concept of being miserly and NOT giving charity but keeping all of your money for yourself. I hope that as Dick Clark counts down the arrival of 5768 that you will be able to say an emphatic "NO" to that sales pitch because you have already committed yourself to a lifestyle of being charitable.

Shana Tova to my Jewish amigos!!


PUMPSTRADAMUS NFL PICK OF THE WEEK: We're doing the picks early this week due to Rosh Hashana.... The Pump is 1-0, and this week, TV Land was honoring "The Bob Newhart Show", so we travel to Chicago.. home of The Hartleys and Howard Borden where the Bears take on the Kansas City Chiefs. The Bears are favored by 12... Sayeth the Pump: "Since my former Cantor moved to Kansas City... I'm taking The Chiefs!"

By the way... did you ever realize how Seinfeld is very similar to The Bob Newhart Show... Bob is Jerry.... Jerry (the dentist) is George... Howard is Kramer... and Elaine is a hybrid of Emily and Carol!


THE UNBIASED GIANTS FAN PICKS OF THE WEEK: Last week this new feature premiered to a 1-1-1 record. This week's picks:

Dolphins 3 and a half home doggies to the Cowboys - Miami is ready for a big win in their home opener
Redskins 7 point doggies to Philadelphia - We're taking the Skins to knock the Eagles into an 0-2 stupor on MNF!!
Giants pick 'em against Green Bay - Injuries shminjuries.. its part of the game.. Let's take The Giants.. no matter what the spread...


CLIP OF THE WEEK: Speaking of pig products and the Jewish clergy, here is a classic scene from Woody Allen's "Everything You Ever Wanted to Know About Sex But Were Afriad to Ask..." This is a clip that parodies the old panel game shows "What's My Line" and "I've Got a Secret". By the way, the actor who plays the "Bad Rabbi" is the father of Sidney Lumet!